A More Systematic Approach

This week I realized I need to sit down and write out a new list of exposures to work through. Right now I'm more in the mode of waiting for things to come to me, and that doesn't usually move me forward very fast.

Yesterday I hopped on the train for some good old public transit exposures! As I noted in my last post, I haven't been taking the bus since I lost my bus pass. But the train is free through the central part of town, and it goes right past my work place.

It was a good exposure. Lots and lots of people and no open seats so I had to hold on to the railing. And I felt REALLY contaminated when I hopped off. About an 8 out of 10, I'd say.

I had to walk back a few blocks to work. Even in that short bit of time, I could tell the anxiety was going down, and I convinced myself to see how long I could stand not washing my hands. After about 15 minutes, my anxiety was down to about a 4. I never did wash my hands (well, eventually I did, but not for OCD reasons); I even ate my afternoon apple without washing.

I love the good ERP experiences. I just wish the NEXT one seemed easier each time. Maybe that'll come someday.

Another Sign of Progress

I'm a mediocre but enthusiastic gardener. I am, however, extremely good at growing dahlias. My avatar is one of my dahlias. I have a bed of about 30 of them right up next to my sidewalk in the front yard. They draw a lot of attention. People just can't resist touching them; passersby regularly "pet" the flowers, really they do. Last year this drove me nuts, purely because I thought when I picked them, I would have germs to contend with. I would never pick a flower I'd seen someone touch that day. This year, my first instinct is still "eww," but it doesn't bother me nearly as much. Yesterday I went out and specifically brought a flower into the house that I thought someone had touched just a few minutes before.

The House Is Still Standing

My sister returned home today, and all was well. I ended up going over there twice. The first time I was so proud of myself. When I went to leave, I locked the door, checked it once, walked away. Felt good about it. But that wouldn't do, would it? So you know what I grew worried about within about a block of my drive home?! That the refrigerator had stayed open a crack and the cat would climb in and suffocate. How many cats do you know that have died that way? Yeah, same here.

On the plus side, I recognized how counterproductive it would be to return and check, so I continued home. If the cat died, I would feel bad, and I would deal with it when it happened. Of course the cat was fine. The second night I was a little stressed when I left, but it was much better. Overall, I was really glad to have done it, as housesitting is something that's caused me problems for a while.

In the meantime, I found some home canned goods at my mom's house from, I kid you not, 1994. Botulism fears, here I go.

Another Change in Perspective

About a year ago, well, maybe a bit more, my workplace installed newfangled hand dryers in the bathroom. It turns out the modern version actually gets your hands dry, unlike the dryers I grew up with. But nobody much uses them. Some people think they use too much energy, but I suspect that most people, even those without OCD, have the idea that you're just covering your hands in "germy bathroom air" by using them.

I mentioned them to my therapist (which is why it must have been more than a year ago) and she of course told me I should use the hand dryer. My pre-OCD, super environmentalist self would surely have done it. Energy or not, I suspect it's better than the two paper towels you have to use because one doesn't quite do it. But I resisted, it was scary.

When I did use the dryer, it all seemed so germy. The air blew in my face, water would sometimes splash up in my face because the air movement was so strong, and it blows straight up. And oh my gosh, did my hand just touch the edge of that thing???!!!

For whatever reason, about 2 weeks ago, I decided I would use the hand dryer once each day. And lo and behold, it's different now. The air in my face doesn't bother me. Mostly my perception is that it feels so good to have my hands warmed by the nice air. Dare I say I LOOK FORWARD to using the darned thing? Unbelievable! Take that, OCD!

Was That Really Me?

Yesterday I went to the year end "carnival" with my sister and nieces at their school. For whatever reason, I decided to pretty much go for it. I sat in the "mini dunk tank" where I got splashed with a water balloon. I did the sack race. I touched a zillion things that had been touched by a zillion elementary school kids. I hula-hooped with a communal hula-hoop for goodness sake. They had a cotton candy machine, and as a result little wisps of cotton candy were floating through the air all night. The part where I thought, was that really me? was when a piece of cotton candy floated through the air and landed on my leg. I reached down and I ate it. It was delicious.

The List

A few months ago, I wrote out a list of things I wanted to do this year, but that OCD preferred I didn't: ride the bus, shop at thrift stores, things like that. One thing that took me until this week to do was "sell things on ebay." I did it years ago, but recently I've been afraid of sending germs off with my packages, or having something go wrong, or you know, just general disaster. This week I sold two things. It was a little scary, but I mailed them off. No disaster yet.

OCD and the Table

Last week I got a newsletter from a non-profit I donated to last year. They're right down the street from me. They were looking for a portable table to use at outreach events. I had the perfect table. I've used it twice, neither of those times in the last six years, and it was languishing in my attic. Great! Then OCD stepped in. It's a little flimsy, what if it falls over? It's a folding table, what if someone pinches their fingers when they close it back up and sues the non-profit and they hate me? What if the woman at the office has a cold when I deliver the table! Huh. Nice try, OCD! It made me nervous but I dropped it off yesterday. She put it together in front of me to make sure she could, and didn't come close to pinching her fingers. :)

A Night At The Game

Well, my night out with sister went pretty well. I did far far far more ruminating than is healthy, but I also did a ton of exposures.

They included
-not driving home from work to check that I'd turned off the bathroom fan. And for about 3 hours, boy did I want to!
-going straight from work to her house.
-using the restroom at her house.
-stopping at an event at her kids' elementary school before the game, where I interacted with about 25 kids. Ooh, germy kids! I didn't wash my hands after.
-using the same parking pass that I'd purchased earlier in the day. I wasn't convinced it was still good, but I took the risk. It was good.
-after first referring to the area under our seats as "grimy," so she wouldn't store her coat there, I later encouraged her to store her purse under the seat (although I have to confess that I probably wouldn't have if it had truly been grimy.)

So, all in all, a successful day, except that our team lost.

Hooray for Pasta Salad

At my workplace, we love potlucks. My entire department of 50 has them about three times a year, and my workplace knitting group has a monthly birthday potluck. I too love potlucks, but for about 5 years now, I've never brought a non-dessert item to a potluck. Baking kills all the germs, of course.

It hasn't always been this way, even with OCD. Back when I lived in Seattle, I'd host huge potlucks probably 3 times a year, inviting everyone I knew. I'd usually make a main dish and a huge fruit salad. But recently, I've become convinced I'd spread death and destruction through food poisoning.

When I was seeing my therapist, she encouraged me to bring cut up carrots to my book club, but the closest I got was bringing whole apples a couple of times. About a month ago, I thought about bringing pasta salad to the knitting potluck. I even bought all of the ingredients, but then I just skipped the potluck altogether. Bad.

Yesterday we had a potluck to celebrate the end of my boss's cancer treatment. I still had most of those pasta salad ingredients, and I went for it. There were a few unnecessary hand washes during the prep, but I definitely consider it a success. It tasted great, too.

I don't know quite where all this impetus for action is coming from, but it really builds on itself. I encourage you to try it if you haven't already! It feels (scary) and great!!

Hardest Exposure Ever-Or Hardest Response Prevention Anyway

Today I went to my knitting group. I didn't really want to, but I decided it was important, and I also decided before I went that I wouldn't shower right after, no matter what I encountered there.

So, of course, I sit next to "loud, large, sick" lady. Everything she did was big, and seemed to include touching me with something. She had a cold and coughed about 50 times (not an exaggeration) and covered her mouth during about 5 of those coughs, most directed right at me. She sneezed without covering her mouth either. She spit when she talked and spit when she coughed, and I saw it land on my leg.

And I know I have OCD and all, but who does that?!

So, yeah, it was super fun. I stayed for an hour and a half, though, and only inched away from her, umm, a couple of times. Which of course brought me too close the person on the other side of me, who probably thinks I'm weird now, but oh, well.

Now it's an hour later, and I haven't showered. I don't feel great about it, but my anxiety is going down, so that's good.

Yuck!

Last year, it seemed everywhere I went, I encountered vomit on the sidewalk. Lately, not so much. Until today, of course. I was on my run, and my first thought involved showers. But luckily, running always makes me more prone to actually follow through with ERP, so about five minutes later, I'd changed my mind and decided I didn't need a shower after all (I didn't step in it, just near it). This despite the fact that we're having a big party for my boss on Friday, and I sure don't want to get anyone sick.

I felt so energized by that decision, that I made it 50% further (farther?) than I'd intended on my run. So I guess it was a disgusting but good evening.

Too Much Information About My Bathroom Adventures

Today started with a scary social event. It went fine. I told myself before I went, though, that I was going to use the restroom at the restaurant. Even drank tea before I went and ordered a large drink to make sure I had to go. But then there was a line. I got too anxious standing in the line, and I didn't go.

BUT, then I stopped at the grocery store on the way home. Their bathrooms are scarier on Sunday because it's really crowded at the store. But they were closed for cleaning. Curses! So I stopped to get some money at the ATM. By the time I finished the cleaning was done. But now I had ATM hands. Curses again! But I went and used that bathroom with my ATM hands anyway. Yay!

I'm at home, feeling a little contaminated, but I'm already feeling better.

Keeping the Ball Rolling

I didn't make it to the store yesterday, but I did go today. I used the restroom there, right after a mom and little kid- more contaminated, don't you know.

Pushed my grocery cart around in normal fashion. Next I stopped at the video store. I ALWAYS wash my hands after the video store- not today.

Now I'm typing on my computer with those same unwashed hands. I feel like I'm further down the path on this than I've ever been, and it feels great and scary, and I want to keep on walking down it.

I DID IT!!!!!

I have just returned from 3 days in Phoenix.

I brought Purell, and used it once. I did the most cursory of bedbug "inspections" of the room, and then let it go. I ate finger food at every restaurant without washing.

I took six trips on public transit, and six on our hotel's shuttle. I bought food and souvenirs from multiple people and didn't contemplate whether they had colds. I sat next to a woman on the plane who I thought had a cold and didn't flip (although she later volunteered that she had allergies).

I used the bathroom at the airport. I rode on a plane!!!!!

I sat on the bedspread at the hotel. I walked in barefeet in the hotel. I watched my boyfriend contaminate the sheets of that hotel bed with his airplane clothes and I slept in it. I dropped my toothbrush on the hotel room floor and then I got a new one at the reception desk (c'mon, I have OCD!)

I had fun on a vacation for the first time in years. I took 100 photos, and that was with forgetting the camera in the hotel one full day.

And then weirdly enough, I decided I didn't like my boyfriend all that much (he was a complete doofus on this trip), and I broke up with him. That'll hit me harder soon, I'm sure, but for now I'm still giddy from the rest of it.

Tonight I'm going to walk down to the grocery store and use their bathroom, before I lose any momentum.

Happenings

Lots of little (or maybe not so little) things this week.

I got a prescription for Prozac- I'm going to try it for a couple of months and see how it goes. Haven't actually received the pills yet but should this week.

I made the plane reservations. For about an hour I got really really excited about this trip, and it made me so happy. I feel very few moments of joy or excitement in my life, but experiencing them makes me want to work to be able to experience more of them.

I'm still feeling, overall, extremely anxious about this trip. But I'm also able to see that I'm willing to take risks because the life I'm living now is one of fear and sadness, and I don't really feel so excited about another 40 years of that.

I've made some decent progress at exposures on the cold and flu front- fall and winter months are certainly good for that.

Progress (Cake Involved Yet Again!)

I've mentioned before that my workplace has a monthly birthday celebration with cake. I've been eating it for a while, but I may not have mentioned that I often cut my own piece after everyone else is done, and I usually provide my own fork.

Today, I didn't do that. I watched the woman cutting the cake touch the face of each piece with the entire surface of her hand, and I ate it anyway. I used the plate and fork that were handed to me, despite knowing that 1) if they weren't run through a dishwasher, then they probably weren't cleaned well or 2) if they were run through our dishwasher, that the janitor unloads those dishwashers.

I'm feeling a little nervous about it all, but the cake was good! No one else seems to give it a second thought, and I'm trying to be "normal" after all.

A Kind of Amazing Weekend

Yesterday L and I went to the beach. It was great! I managed two public bathrooms, with a bit of anxiety, but nothing too strong. I didn't take my shoes off on the beach, which may have been a little odd, but I think it was an okay choice. Mostly, I just didn't spend too much of the day worrying, which was so nice. The weather was gorgeous, despite a forecast that called for clouds.

I packed all the lunch food, with really almost no stress. That was great! Then after we stopped to buy drinks at a gas station right before lunch, I didn't bother to wash my hands before eating. That was tougher, but not so bad.

Then, today, oh my goodness! I went to visit my aunt in the hospital. I had planned to take the bus, in order to keep the hospital germs out of my car, but I decided to heck with that! I drove, I used the bathroom at the hospital, I drove home, and I didn't even change my clothes when I got home. I feel some anxiety, but as always, it's faded fairly quickly.

Thursday I was an OCD wreck, but let's just celebrate success today, shall we? That'll be a story for another day.

Yesterday Was a Good Day

Over the years, I've gotten really good at timing my liquid intake to balance avoiding dehydration with avoiding public bathrooms. It doesn't always work, though. Yesterday I was out at a restaurant, and there was no avoiding it: I had to pee. So for the first time in a really long time, I used a restaurant bathroom. I survived! And boy, the rest of the evening was SO much more pleasant than it would have been otherwise.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Actually, I don't think this day had ugly, but . . .

Warning, some whining ahead. But there's some good exposure at the end, so you can skip ahead if you want to avoid the whining.

I had two scary social events today (numbers 19 and 20. Still behind, but catching up). The first one was a trip to the annual beer festival downtown. I don't like beer, so it was a little silly to go. But at the bowling event a few weeks ago, I thought I'd felt a "vibe" from one of the guys there, and I wanted to check it out. Plus there were some other new people I wanted to meet.

Anyway, "vibe guy" was quite late, so I was already kinda crabby. Then, I swear it was like a middle school dance. He literally didn't look at me or make eye contact for a good 15 minutes. And we were in a small group, about 8 of us in a small circle, so it was weird and (to me) awkward. And if I say so myself, I looked good! I wore makeup! And earrings! I haven't worn earrings in literally a year. I wore uncomfortable shoes! (More on that later)

So, we were also there to hear another friend's band play, but we were in the wrong place and we missed most of it. At that point, I decided the day was doomed, and I left. To find, of course, that I missed the bus by 2 minutes. Waited 20 minutes for the next bus, got off at the library, assumed I'd catch the next one, but it didn't come, walked a mile up the hill, only to miss my connection for the final bus by about a minute. I could see it drive away. So, walked another mile home. In my by now extremely uncomfortable shoes. It was 92 degrees. Grumble grumble. So all of that was the bad. And I still have no idea if "vibe guy" and I have any vibes, although I may not care anymore.

But oh, the exposures today!!! As you can see above, I chose to take the bus to the festival. On the bus was a homeless guy (and his adorable but scruffy kitten). The bus driver was giving him terrible advice about which bus to transfer to. I HATE giving people directions, as I always get all OCD about it and I want to follow them and make sure they get there. But I sucked it up, and I walked back and talked to him. While I was doing so, the bus turned and his backpack started to fall, I reached out and grabbed it. The homeless guy's dirty backpack! Then I touched about 3 poles on the bus getting back to my seat. Went to the festival and shook a whole bunch of hands. Walked by some vomit. Took the bus back home.

Went to an animal sanctuary. Petted a goat. Picked some blueberries. Ate a piece of watermelon. Talked with a sniffly woman. Didn't sanitize anything, went grocery shopping. No plans to shower tonight.

Whew! What a day!

Bad News, Good-ish News

As I mentioned, they didn't pick up the yard waste. The good exposure-seeking me wanted to just wait out the two weeks until the next pick up, but the not-so-good-at-that me didn't. Plus, at the rate I'm picking weeds, I would have had 15 bags of extra yard waste by then. So I did my best to turn what I did do into an exposure. I took a few hours off today, went on a weeding frenzy, and filled up my car with yard debris bags. Then I went to the transfer station, which I consider a really scary place. There's a whole lot of garbage there!!! And attendants who may be sick.

So I went, I dumped my debris among all the other scary stuff (in the part of the giant warehouse where you drop off glass for recycling, apparently you just kind of throw glass toward the floor, where it shatters, very very loudly. This place was very close to where I was standing). I paid the attendant and got paperwork from her without purell-ing. Then I stopped and picked up a snack at the store, which I ate without washing my hands.

I will admit that while it was a decent exposure, it was not nearly as good as letting the yard debris pile up for two weeks would have been. But I'm not going to get down on myself. There are enough days of that already.