UGH

It's been a craptastic 24 hours. Since I was about 10, I've had athlete's foot on and off. I didn't realize what it was (it rarely itched) until I was 25 and it spread to my toenails. As far as I know, I've never given it to anyone close to me. And yet I worry, oh how I worry. To the point that two promising relationships bit the dust over the last 5 years because I spent so much time angsting about my damn toenail (only one remains infected).

In a flash of (OCD inspired) brilliance, I decided on Friday that I MUST bite the bullet and take the oral medication that mostly gets rid of toenail fungus. Like, right that instant. Like, I couldn't wait to work within my medical system, I must visit urgent care. Where I encountered numerous people with coughs and fevers, and my very very favorite, the teenager whose mom walked behind her with a large kitchen pot, should she need to vomit.

The first urgent care facility (where I paid cash) gave me a prescription, but I got home and realized it wasn't the most recommended treatment. So I went to another (at least covered by my insurance). No dice, they directed me back to my primary care provider. So at this point, I've spent $200 and 6 hours and have accomplished only a light coating of germs.

Cut to today, where call the first provider back and insist that they change the prescription. At first they refuse, but I whine so profusely, they give in. The prescription is a generic and costs only $6! I skipped the whole part where I dragged my poor dad (a retired physician with my health plan) into the mix. Oh, and my run in with online medical consults. At one point, my dad said, "can you stop and consider for a moment that this isn't an emergency, and that you really can wait until Monday?" I said, "NO!" I feel rotten just thinking about that. I knew it wasn't true, but it felt SO IMPORTANT at that moment to get it resolved.

So, yeah, maybe not as far along as I sometimes feel.

On the plus side, as I always do, when I get disgusted at myself for doing these things, I up the exposure ante. In the last 24 hours, I used the restroom at a medical facility, as well as a grocery store frequented by homeless people. In neither case did I use a paper towel to open the door. At the store, I proceeded to buy groceries, and ate some snacks while sitting in the car. I really really want to beat the fear of the public restroom, since it's so limiting to social activities.

So there you have it. After a mere $260 and 10 hours, I have 45 pills that just may destroy my liver. Perfect.

Bad News, Good-ish News

As I mentioned, they didn't pick up the yard waste. The good exposure-seeking me wanted to just wait out the two weeks until the next pick up, but the not-so-good-at-that me didn't. Plus, at the rate I'm picking weeds, I would have had 15 bags of extra yard waste by then. So I did my best to turn what I did do into an exposure. I took a few hours off today, went on a weeding frenzy, and filled up my car with yard debris bags. Then I went to the transfer station, which I consider a really scary place. There's a whole lot of garbage there!!! And attendants who may be sick.

So I went, I dumped my debris among all the other scary stuff (in the part of the giant warehouse where you drop off glass for recycling, apparently you just kind of throw glass toward the floor, where it shatters, very very loudly. This place was very close to where I was standing). I paid the attendant and got paperwork from her without purell-ing. Then I stopped and picked up a snack at the store, which I ate without washing my hands.

I will admit that while it was a decent exposure, it was not nearly as good as letting the yard debris pile up for two weeks would have been. But I'm not going to get down on myself. There are enough days of that already.

Travel

It became clear to me a few weeks ago that my upcoming trip for work was consuming every free moment of thought for me, and I actually cancelled it. Not so good. BUT. I have a plan. Part of the problem is that the trip took about three different things that were VERY high on my exposure hierarchy and combined them: being away from home multiple days, plane travel and hotels.

So I'm creating a hierarchy for travel, and I'm going to move up it throughout this summer. I'm going to start with an overnight trip to the coast. Then I'm thinking a weekend away by car, camping or to visit friends a few hours away. And then a plane trip to California later in the summer (which I can do with the credit from my cancelled trip. Oops!) . I really think I can do it, plus these trips all sound like fun to me, rather than the torture that the work trip was shaping up to be.

New Years Resolution Fail

Well, that didn't take long. I had tentative plans to meet a friend for lunch on Monday. But it may be raining, I have a busy schedule at work, and she works in a hospital. I do TERRIBLY with things outside my standard schedule, and hospitals give me the heebees. So I told her I was too busy and I'd reschedule.

So, the resolution is off to a rockin' start. I have an alternate "scary social event" in mind for the week though. . .

Sometimes All You Can Do Is Laugh

Last night I was feeling really frustrated by my OCD. I had one of those angry, "I'm not going to let my OCD stop my from living my life" moments. This could be it! A huge breakthrough!

30 seconds later, I brushed my freshly washed hair against a small area rug sitting on top of my washer. "Oh no, oh no, oh no! Was that dirty? Should I shower?" 30 seconds!!!

(For the record, I didn't shower)

Ups and Downs

I'm really really excited about the success I've had this week. Today I went to the grocery store down the street just to use their bathroom. It's a very clean bathroom, but in five years, I've never been in it except to wash my hands, and then I always use a paper towel to open the door. Today I used the bathroom and afterward opened the door with my bare hand. Whew! A first step at least. My anxiety was about a 7 as I walked home, but by the time I got there, it had already dropped to about a 2.

But I also cancelled a movie date with my aunt. She's currently undergoing chemotherapy and last week had to reschedule her chemo because she got sick. I'm now terrified that I'll get her sick and she'll have to reschedule again and it will be ALL MY FAULT. I haven't been sick with a contagious illness since 2007 (I guess excessive handwashing will do that for you), but I'm still always convinced that I'll be sick tomorrow. Which of course means I'm contagious TODAY without realizing it.

Confession

Okay, so I'm proud of the ERP success I had below. But I do have to confess that the only reason I was able to go to the store on a Monday is that I took yesterday and today off. Why did I do that? Because my boss leaves for vacation on Wednesday, and I "couldn't" take the chance of getting sick and then getting her sick on her vacation. Ugh. So there's still plenty of work to be done.