A More Systematic Approach

This week I realized I need to sit down and write out a new list of exposures to work through. Right now I'm more in the mode of waiting for things to come to me, and that doesn't usually move me forward very fast.

Yesterday I hopped on the train for some good old public transit exposures! As I noted in my last post, I haven't been taking the bus since I lost my bus pass. But the train is free through the central part of town, and it goes right past my work place.

It was a good exposure. Lots and lots of people and no open seats so I had to hold on to the railing. And I felt REALLY contaminated when I hopped off. About an 8 out of 10, I'd say.

I had to walk back a few blocks to work. Even in that short bit of time, I could tell the anxiety was going down, and I convinced myself to see how long I could stand not washing my hands. After about 15 minutes, my anxiety was down to about a 4. I never did wash my hands (well, eventually I did, but not for OCD reasons); I even ate my afternoon apple without washing.

I love the good ERP experiences. I just wish the NEXT one seemed easier each time. Maybe that'll come someday.

Getting Back on the Horse

Longtime blog followers may remember that my dad and I have had NBA season tickets for a while now. A lockout that reminded us that NBA salaries are ridiculous, combined with some old-fashioned burnout motivated us to cancel the tickets just before this season started.

We planned to attend a game or two a month, however, but we hadn't done it yet. And I was amazed at how scary the prospect was to me. My dad isn't really safe driving at night anymore, so I'll be the driver. I became scared that I would get us in an accident (and how ironic would that be!) I thought about bedbugs in seats, I thought about germs around us. I thought about the disappointment we might feel if we picked the "wrong" game and wished we'd picked another. What if it was icy the day of the game?

But, it's all about running toward those fears, so we've got tickets to tonight's game. And the best part: I'm really really excited to go!

A Good Exposure Day

While I occasionally use public restrooms, I still mostly avoid them. Today I not only used one, I carried a bag in there with me and hung it on the back of the door. The bag even touched the door handle as it hung there. I did about 6 errands after that point, For about the first 3, I touched the bag gingerly. By the end I just couldn't be bothered. Hooray for ERP!

Book Review: Zelah Green by Vanessa Curtis

A couple of times in the last few months, I've been offered review copies of OCD related books to read and potentially review. I'm not good at being critical, so if I don't like a book, I just don't review it at all.

But recently I read one I liked, so here I go. Zelah Green: Queen of Clean is a young adult novel by Vanessa Curtis. It was released in England a while back, but it's coming to the U.S. this fall. Zelah Green, 14, has OCD of the germ, symmetry and "good numbers" variety. She's sent to a residential treatment facility by her evil stepmother. It's not an OCD-based facility so she meets other teens with varying mental health issues, including self-harm, depression and anorexia. The other characters are developed to varying degrees and we grow to care about them, too. (I have to add that frankly, if this were the real world, I might consider the place a little sketchy, but since it's not, we'll call it charming.) Zelah is treated with exposure and response prevention, so that's good news. The ERP's not quite perfect- at several points her therapist actually promises her that nothing bad will happen if she does her exposures- but it's sure better than talk therapy.

For good or bad, this book is part of series. Book two is already published. What this means, unfortunately, is that Zelah can't get too well in book one, or what would we have to talk about in the remaining books? So when she leaves the facility, she's done some exposures, but she still exists in a world full of compulsions and rituals.

The good: The characters are well developed and likable (or unlikable, as needed). The OCD is presented in a fairly realistic way. The treatment scenes, while not perfect, are pretty good. It's just plain well written, with some turns of phrase that were so nice that I highlighted them on my computer screen. Overall, I enjoyed the book, and I plan to read the next one soon.

The bad: To some extent the supporting characters are more interesting than Zelah herself, partly because we only get some of their stories and are left wanting more. I don't know if the book is being "translated" from the British English to American, but there were a few words in there that even I, a longtime reader of British chicklit, had never come across before. plimsolls? stroppy? And my most important complaint, of course, that the ERP isn't implemented as well as I'd like. But heck, that reflects real life, right?

So, I'd recommend it. It's aimed at teens and is fairly short and a quick read but fine for adults I'd say. It features some graphic scenes of the residents' issues, cutting in particular. So not for young kids. You can find the book at Amazon.com

I DID IT!!!!!

I have just returned from 3 days in Phoenix.

I brought Purell, and used it once. I did the most cursory of bedbug "inspections" of the room, and then let it go. I ate finger food at every restaurant without washing.

I took six trips on public transit, and six on our hotel's shuttle. I bought food and souvenirs from multiple people and didn't contemplate whether they had colds. I sat next to a woman on the plane who I thought had a cold and didn't flip (although she later volunteered that she had allergies).

I used the bathroom at the airport. I rode on a plane!!!!!

I sat on the bedspread at the hotel. I walked in barefeet in the hotel. I watched my boyfriend contaminate the sheets of that hotel bed with his airplane clothes and I slept in it. I dropped my toothbrush on the hotel room floor and then I got a new one at the reception desk (c'mon, I have OCD!)

I had fun on a vacation for the first time in years. I took 100 photos, and that was with forgetting the camera in the hotel one full day.

And then weirdly enough, I decided I didn't like my boyfriend all that much (he was a complete doofus on this trip), and I broke up with him. That'll hit me harder soon, I'm sure, but for now I'm still giddy from the rest of it.

Tonight I'm going to walk down to the grocery store and use their bathroom, before I lose any momentum.

Hey, Another "Push"

Well, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm trying another big exposure push. I figure every push, even if not fully successful, takes me a little further down the road I ultimately want to travel.

So far what this push looks like: if I realize I'm avoiding something, I do it. Today I didn't want to pay with cash at the grocery store, because then I get change, and who knows where it's been. So I paid with cash. I noticed that the clerk looked a little glassy eyed (thus surely had a cold). I stayed in her line.

I'm going downtown today, and my OCD instinct is to park far away from my destination in a spot that doesn't require using the pay station. But I'm going to use the pay station, and pay with a credit card (I prefer coins- you touch less that way).

One thing I like about this, when I'm "feeling it," is that the decisions are actually easier. Sounds scary? No point in fretting, 'cause that's what I'll be doing. And if I get sick, it's a badge of success.

Mission Accomplished!

And I still have Sunday to bask in doing nothing much. Woohoo.

The last few days have actually been really good. I had some solid exposures at work yesterday and then afterwards at the basketball game and still managed to skip the evening shower. I've actually only managed to do that after one other game this season, I think. And this time there was a guy with a cold sitting in the seat behind me!

I visited my family today. My mom offered me a cookie, and then told me that she's been feeling kinda sick to her stomach a lot lately. I ate the cookie anyway, although I did feel fairly contaminated. Then I went over to my sister's house and got them all contaminated up. Followed by some shopping, including using the grocery cart. Whenever I check out at Trader Joe's, they always put the big stuff into the front of the cart. You know, the part where the germy kids and purses go. Ack. But as always, I survived. So far, anyway. :)

This Has To Stop Today, Not Next Week!

Today as I thought, phew, I made it without getting sick till the receptionist headed off to New York for her brother's wedding, it occurred to me that I said that about her own wedding FIVE months ago.

I can't keep holding my breath forever, trying to avoid ever getting anyone sick before an important event or a vacation. And of course just as I was breathing a sigh of relief, I learned that the guy next to me is taking his family to Europe for spring break. Which ordinarily would mean, Oh, I just have to stay healthy through Friday. But it's finally sinking in that IT WILL NEVER END. There will ALWAYS be something on the horizon, a reason I can't get sick until next week, and then the week after and after and after.

So I kept on with my exposures today- went grocery shopping after hopping off the bus, picking up my produce without using hand sanitizer first.

Then I came home and took the trash out (which for some reason makes me super anxious these days), including some things that felt especially yucky to me. I'd like to take a shower now, but I'm not going to. Instead I'm cooking dinner.

ERP Works AGAIN! (who knew?)

This morning on the bus, a woman sat next to me and practically dumped her oversized bag (one of two, plus a newspaper and a coffee cup) on my lap. It was inconsiderate, especially considering that she had an empty seat on the other side of her, but my annoyance was purely OCD, wondering where she might have set that bag prior to my lap.

After I got off the bus, I was feeling seriously uptight, although I forced myself not to actively avoid the part of my coat that the bag had touched. But I definitely imagined washing the coat when I got home. Now it's 8 hours later, and I feel fine. The coat doesn't seem contaminated, and I don't feel contaminated.

I guess that's the plus in getting "contaminated" on the way to work- there's nothing I can do about it for hours anyway. It's the perfect ERP system.

Goals for This Week

Hmmm. More not washing my hands, of course. When I come home from work these days, I don't immediately change out of my clothes, but when I eventually do, I semi-segregate those clothes, in case they have cold or flu germs on them. After a day or so, I figure the germs are dead, so the clothes can go back in circulation. This week, I'd like to stop doing that.

I also usually wait until the next morning after mail is delivered to get it out of the mailbox- again, letting the germs die. This week, I'm going to get the mail as I come home from work each day.

These are all things I used to do without even thinking about it, so I know I CAN.

Sitting With Anxiety

Working on two really difficult things right now. One, I realized this week (or was reminded) that the closer I get to an event that scares me, the more I try to avoid exposures. Which seems to wipe out the previous exposure success. My boss's next chemo is next week, and I've already tried to schedule things in ways that make me feel less likely to get sick before then. So I'm trying to work on stopping that.

And, I've also realized that it's been a long time since I've made myself really sit with the feeling of anxiety, and not eventually give in and do a compulsion, lately, taking that nightly shower, or changing my clothes as soon as I get home from work.

SOO, today, here I am at my home computer still wearing my work clothes. And despite the guy next to me at work with a cold, and the other coworker who went home early after not feeling well, I have no plans to shower tonight. Neither of these feels great, which is mostly the point.

Let's See

There's not really a lot going on right now.

I'm doubling down on my efforts to not wash my hands overly much, and it's working okay. Today I didn't wash my hands any extra times at work at all, and I touched doorknobs and doorways and faucet handles a lot more than I normally do. I went to the grocery store twice in the last two days without any Purell use. Also took the bus twice this week so far.

H1N1 vaccinations have recently been opened to the general population here, so I got vaccinated today. I guess that means I can touch things with even more reckless abandon. :)

So, not very exciting, but encouraging nonetheless.

Still stewing over the medication question, as I tend to do.

Goals for the Week

Not quite sure what to post this week.

I'm still in that "doing fairly well, but still feeling mighty stressed" place.

Last night I rode the bus home from a social event. There's a homeless shelter at the end of my bus route. Most of the people, you wouldn't even know that's where they were headed, if you didn't know it was there. But sometimes the people are pretty unkempt, and some are drunk. Last night I encountered 4 of those, plus it was pouring, and two of them had terrible coughs. A difficult ride.

Anyway, my goals:
Continue to ride the bus.
Go to the grocery store- for some reason I've been avoiding it lately.
Social events M,W,F- don't cancel any.
Fix flat on my bike, and ride to work one day if not too cold.

This list doesn't feel quite complete, but I'm not sure what else would go on it.

I guess another goal is to work actively (rather than simply reading) my Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Anxiety book.

This is Really Difficult

Thanks to those of you who've commented on my recent progress. I've got to say that doing these exposures lately has been really hard work. I've been working more and more on both doing exposures that could lead to a cold or flu, and dealing with the fact that I can never be 100% certain that I won't pass along a serious illness to someone else.

I've ended up near tears at work a few times lately, which has the potential for some really embarrassing moments, but so far I've made it through without anyone noticing.

One thing I'm also working on is scaling back my attempts to orchestrate the "best" outcome. For instance, I'll check the weather before planning a lunch out, because I hate being wet and feel something bad is more likely to happen. Or I'll try to imagine if the coworker I'm scheduling a meeting with is more likely to be sick after returning from vacation, or later in the week, after she's been exposed to people in the office again.

It's pointless, makes me feel bad when I guess wrong, and it wastes a whole whole lot of time. Not to mention that by doing it, I make my OCD stronger.

Checking in at Week's End

I have to admit that I actually did a little better than I expected this week:
I took the bus.
I skipped the shower two days (that one surprised me!)
Did much better than I have been, if not perfectly, on the handwashing at work.
Cooked/ate after touching the phone several times.

I had the freak out in the flu shot line, but I've since scheduled some events for the weekend with people I know have colds, and after an initial panic, I'm feeling pretty okay about that.

I'm currently sitting out an exposure involving a clogged toilet. The jury's still out on how this one will end. :(

It's funny that as soon as I have some exposure success, I up my standards, so I still always feel like I'm not doing as well as I want to be. I guess that's yet another thing to work on.

Happy it's the weekend.

Goals for the Week

I've decided to start posting what I'm working on for the week- it's too easy for me to "forget" otherwise.

So this week:
Take the bus any time the rain isn't torrential
Skip taking a shower after work on at least one workday
No "extra" hand washing at work
Touch floors at home and carry on about my day
Cook after touching the phone or remote control or computer keyboard

Today I did well with the handwashing, have touched the floors, and am about to go cook.

The shower thing is going to be tough, but until cold and flu season kicked in, I was doing that without much thought, so I guess that means I know I can do it.

Labeling and Acting "Normal"

It's a pretty basic technique, but labeling my fears as OCD has been helpful to me lately. In a "this is OCD so you better just do it" kind of way. I'm pretty sure I've written about this before, but I haven't had much luck with it before.

I've also been finding success with a "normal people don't have to do this" approach to life.

As in, you know, most people don't have to go wash their hands after putting on their shoes, or most people aren't afraid to schedule a meeting at work in case an attendee is sick.

I'm not using it as reassurance, because I'm still anxious after going ahead with the exposure, but it's making me do them.

Doing It Right

In several previous posts, I think I've noted that "If you're not scared, you're not doing it right," with respect to exposures. Today I went down to the little community grocery store. It's very small in there, and it was crowded. I touched lots of things, and there was a lot of sneezing (okay, there was a little sneezing). I came home and really wanted to take a shower, which I'm fully aware is an extreme reaction.

So I'm just sitting around feeling contaminated, and waiting for the feeling to pass. Fun times!

Back on the Bus

Tomorrow I'm back on the bus. It's actually only been two weeks since I last took the bus to work, but it feels a lot longer. Of course yesterday our bus system sent out an email with tips to avoid the flu while on the bus. They recommend carrying sanitizing wipes. So, uhh, that's not helping. But people have been hacking and sneezing my way on the bus for months, so hopefully tomorrow won't be much scarier than any old day.

One Step Forward, 3/4 of a Step Back

Despite moderate anxiety, I was able to visit my family today. The visits weren't super smooth, though. My sister had gone to a farm to buy apples and pears, and she wanted to set the boxes on her bathroom scale to split up the fruit by weight. I freaked a little. For a number of reasons (involving children's potty chairs), her scale has always seemed contaminated, plus it lives in the bathroom!

Then I went to visit my folks. I normally lurk to be sure that my mom washes her hands before cooking, or I'm just there helping and can see, but I wasn't paying attention today, so I asked her (she had). But later she went rummaging through the freezer out in the garage and then went straight to making salad. Again I freaked a little although I still ate the salad; the garage freezer isn't the most hygienic.

My family is fairly accommodating, but I probably shouldn't ask them to be, and I always feel like something of a failure after I make a weird request or get upset about something. Ugh. At least I netted that 1/4 of a step forward.