Country Living

Today I went to visit a friend who lives about an hour out of town. I knew her dog was getting his shots this morning and I was a little icked out by potential vet germs, but no biggy. But for some reason the shots had made the dog REALLY clingy. So he followed us around for about an hour. Okay, I was okay with that.

But the dog's favorite thing to do is stick his head between your legs while you're standing. He likes to poke his whole head through so you can pet him on both sides. Hooray. I'm not really a dog person, but I can fake it, sort of.

I was still doing okay. But it just kept going. I got the story (from her kids) about how the dog hates water because when they were little they sprayed him with water guns, so he rarely gets a bath.

Oh, and then I heard the story about how when they go hunting the dog likes to roll around in whatever they shoot. So he smells pretty bad. Argh!!! (not to mention, what the heck happened to my vegetarian friend whose hunting neighbors made her so mad!)

But all things considered, I was okay. I did wash my hands before we headed off for a hike and a trip to the coffee shop, but really, that seemed like a pretty reasonable thing to do, OCD or not.

I'm pretty sure I'll never have a dog.

A Little Push

Lately, when faced with something that I know I should push through, I've been letting OCD win. So this weekend, I've planned two exposures.

First, I'm going to a BBQ on Saturday. I want to skip it for several reasons: germs, with a coworker scheduled for vacation soon (I always dread getting someone sick before a big week), and the fact that my ex-boyfriend will be there. I'll be fine around him, but I still feel awkward. He hasn't maintained any level of connection since we broke up, which makes it more awkward when we do see each other.

I tried to convince myself that I don't really care about the friendship of this BBQ group, as an excuse to skip it, but in fact, I do like most of them quite a lot. Our collective friendship is mostly maintained online, but getting together keeps it strong, I think.

Second, I'm going to skip my mom's orchestra concert, on Mother's Day, no less. I've likely attended 100 of her concerts over the years, and I don't enjoy them, but I generally attend to provide support for an activity she loves. Unfortunately (as well as fortunately, I suppose) I think I've faked it too well, and I don't think she realizes it's a chore. I've seen a ton of my parents recently, including last weekend's early Mother's Day celebration, and I just need a break this weekend.

Of course I'm convinced something terrible will happen if I don't go. Which is why I've decided not to go.

Floating Along

I haven't written many posts this spring. Ideas float through my head, but I don't seem to be able to summon the energy to stop and post.

Things are fine. Not great, a little stagnant, but not terrible either.

But there have been several occasions lately where I've clearly identified chances to push back against OCD fears and I simply haven't done it. A coworker's kids were sick with some stomach flu-ish thing this week and I actually took Friday off to avoid it. He wasn't sick, and there's solid evidence that his kid just has a touchy stomach. And still... I will add that I really just didn't want to be at work that day, but the underlying reason was OCD-based fear.

I hate that I still do that. And yet... it doesn't really make that much difference in my life. In fact many times when I exhibit OCD-based avoidance, the thing that I avoid is something I dislike anyway. Until I tip the balance on this type of thing, I will remain in this stagnant place. Not terrible, but not where I want to be.

Made It Through This Week

This was a tough week. Some big events with anxiety attached. And I'm training a coworker who has a VERY different learning style than I do. I've lost track of the number of times he's asked me questions (sometimes multiple times) that I've already answered. I get that it's all new, but it's more than just not getting it. It's that when he's not ready for a new piece of info, he just ignores what I'm telling him. Which makes trying to train someone tricky.

Anyway, it's no fun at all, although it will be over with fairly soon.

And I made it through the scary parts of the week with no ill effects. There was even a moment when I woke up in the middle of the night and had the awareness that I wasn't feeling any anxiety at all. That was a nice feeling.

Ready for Next Steps

I've decided to leave my job in October or November. I haven't told anyone there yet, but I've started mapping out what I'd like to get done before I leave.

But I'm also realizing I'd like to get some non-work things "done" as well. My OCD is fine-ish (which, haha, my computer just corrected to fiendish!), but not fabulous. I don't have delusions that quitting my job will make it fabulous. Indeed, I still need to do that work to get there. But I'd like to feel better equipped to carry on the hard work when I have either time to do it, or so much free time that OCD might choose to fill in the blanks.

Today was one of those days where I was ruminating on one thing until a new one came along. Then, immediately the old worry was nothing and the new worry was HUGE, LIKELY, IMPORTANT. One good thing about this is that when it happens, I know enough to identify it as OCD. And sometimes that even helps with the worries: if they can go away so quickly when something shinier comes along, they're probably not that important. Either way, though, there's still worry. I had a chance to do major avoidance on the new worry, and I didn't. I jumped right in. Whoo. I feel a little sick.

On Checking

I've never had BIG checking problems, but it has been an issue for as long as I've had OCD. Back at the beginning, I had trouble leaving work each day, because I had to check that I'd turned off my desk light. Otherwise it might cause a fire and then the sprinklers would go off and then there'd be mold. Mold was my big thing.

That's passed, but I still have mild checking stuff. Especially before I leave the house on vacation. But I've been working on it.

Many times at work, I'll still circle back to my cubicle and check (now it's my adding machine) but I don't always do it. I also have trouble if I'm the last to leave from my department, which I often am due to my schedule.

Last Friday I looked in the fridge and used the sink in the kitchen. Then I walked back down the hall. And I stopped. Did I turn off the water? Did I close the fridge? When I closed the cabinet, did something get thrown out of whack? Don't worry, I thought, the security guy will be through. Whew, okay. But what if he isn't? What if there's a flood in there. And of course as I'm doing this, I'm walking back and forth- toward the kitchen, away from the kitchen, repeat. Hopefully no one was around to see that, haha!

In the end, I knew it was checking, and I knew it was bad for me, and I walked away and I went home. Hooray!

I Sure Do This a Lot

Despite some efforts at mindfulness, I'm spending a lot of time worried about my work issue. It should be resolved, or at least partly resolved by the 25th or 26th. Which seems VERY far away. But it's made me think back to other times that I've done this exact thing: worry about something incessantly for up to a month. And every time, when it's done I think, that was SUCH A HUGE WASTE OF MY VALUABLE TIME.

A few examples:
the time my neighbor's garbage was overflowing for 3 weeks.
the LAST time I had to wait a month to resolve a work problem.
the time I was sure the arborist would electrocute himself when he took down my tree.
the time I was sure the roofers would die while re-roofing my house.
the time I was sure the radon remediation would bring radiation and ruin to my life.

I see a trend: work and house, work and house.

So I guess I need to quit my job and sell my house. Problems solved!!!

Just kidding.

What's the block I have on trying techniques that will help: mindfulness, meditation, truly accepting the fears, etc etc.? I have the tools, I even know they work, because I have done so many successful ERP sessions.

I have read that having poor insight into your OCD makes treatment less successful. And I know that I have poor insight with respect to these "non-contamination" type fears. I am much more likely in these cases to actually believe that the bad outcome is not just likely, but inevitable.

But just because poor insight makes treatment harder, it doesn't make it impossible, and I really need to get my rear in gear on these, because life is pretty miserable this way. And man, does time pass slowly!!!!