Thursday, August 30, 2012

Doing Well (well, except for the anxiety)

The meeting I scheduled that triggered my initial freakout about people going on trips (see last post) passed without incident. As always, it wasn't till about 6 hours after the meeting that I remembered that it had made me so nervous.

This weekend my mom and I have plans to get together at my house. I've built up a number of OCD worries about it, and I'm doing my best not to inflict "OCD-control" on it, instead scheduling it the most convenient way, not the most controlled way. Feeling anxiety, but also feeling determined.

But I'm also looking forward to Sunday, when I will have two free days, all to myself!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Resolution of a Different Kind

Next week my boss goes on a vacation to the South Pacific. There seems to be something about swimming with the whales involved? I don't know, big trip. Then the week after that, my parents fly to New Mexico. Smaller trip, but still a trip.

As I always do, I find myself scared of getting an illness that I pass along to people right before their vacation. It's one of my biggest OCD sort of things, and it's especially frustrating, because 1), it's silly and 2), I can't live my life in a bubble, in particular because the people I'm trying to keep healthy sure aren't bothering to live their lives in a bubble.

SO, this week I resolved to do at least one thing each day that might expose me to germs. It's generally nothing major, scheduling a meeting with a bunch of people, going to the library, even just going grocery shopping. So far it's kept me from doing a fair amount of the kind of avoidance I might normally do.

Sometimes I'll actually stop and try to strategically schedule a meeting or a book pickup at the library for the day that seems least likely to interfere with someone else's vacation schedule, should I get sick. This week I've just scheduled on days that are most convenient for ME. Wow! What a concept.

As often happens, in the days leading up to a scary meeting or event, I'm nervous, but once the day rolls around, it's almost never a big deal.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Religion and OCD

A number of bloggers have posted about religious topics lately and it's got me wondering about the connection between religion and OCD. I'm not religious AT ALL, and every time I read about posters and their relationship with God, I'm quite frankly surprised.

Now, obviously with scrupulosity as a common form of OCD, there's going to be some level of connection. And living in the "heathen" northwest, I think it's easy for me to forget that a very high percentage of Americans are religious.

I've also had the fairly (I think) unusual experience of watching my quite religious parents fall away from their church in their 60s; my mom recently told me she's not sure she believes in God anymore. WHAT?!

I don't quite know where I'm going with this post. Maybe to ask, do you think those with OCD are more likely to be religious than those without? Is it a coincidence? Is it just that those with OCD are more likely to ruminate on religious issues?

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Saturday, August 18, 2012


In the end, I found a time to meet my friend. It did involve her kids, but it also involved ice cream. I had a much better time than I'd expected and not just because of the ice cream. There was the moment where instead of reassuring her that she looks great, I told her she'd earned the right to feel "dumpy." She just had a baby! But oops, you're probably not supposed to agree when someone says they feel dumpy. I am choosing not to ruminate on that. In fact, I hadn't thought of it all day until writing this post.

Anyway, it all made me realize the extent to which my feelings about the visit were coming from an OCD place.

So despite feeling confident that sometimes it's a-okay not to do something because I just plain don't want to, I also need to push myself to do some of the things I think I truly don't like, because I might just be scared.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Heat Wave

Today it was in the high 90s, with tomorrow and Friday expected to be over 100. For some reason my OCD cranks up a bit when it's hot. It's uncomfortable to be hot, of course, but I'm not sure what the OCD connection is.

I suspect that it's somehow related to control. OCD makes me want to be in control in ways that are simply not possible, and I really cannot control the weather.

This week a friend of mine is in town with her family. This is a friendship that I felt had run its course about 5 years ago, and to be honest, it's run its course even more since then. She has a two year old and a newborn, and so logically it's all about them right now. That's fine and how it should be. But I have long ago accepted that I just really don't enjoy kids very much. As a result, I'm not all that understanding of the changes that children bring to friendships. It limits the friendships in my life. And I'm okay with that.

Anyway, this friend has really continued to work hard to keep our friendship alive. And I feel so guilty about it. I'm having OCD issues around seeing her this week, complicated by the fact that it's a friendship I'd hoped would die a natural death. On the other hand, I have this feeling that I should always fight OCD, but how does that work when it's something I don't want to do anyway?

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Adventures in Plumbing

For years, my sister's been telling me to call her favorite plumber and have them snake my slow moving drains. I hate having workpeople (or mostly any people) in my house, so I've put it off. The bathroom sink and tub have been sluggish for ages.

But finally this week the sink clogged 100%. I tried all my tricks, even bought a drain snake, but no go.

So I called the plumber. With the plumber of course, I always wonder about where else they've been: did the last call involve sewage? Are they using the same equipment at my house? Etc.

But I survived. I did a little cleaning after he left, but it wasn't so bad. And oh, the drains are so fast! I had the best shower ever on Thursday!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Oh, Heck

Today my boss told us that she's retiring in three months. I knew it was coming, but I still hoped she'd stay around a few more years. The problem is that her Deputy is super ambitious, really different from her, and you can tell he's just itching to make some big changes.

After the meeting was over, my co-worker turned to me and said, ahh, it's my worst nightmare, Tim in charge and we all lose our jobs. Now, I hadn't even considered this until she said it. I still don't think it's likely, but all you've got to do is give me something to worry about...

It's another chance to practice letting a scary thought come and go, without chewing on it all day long.