Saturday, December 29, 2012

Trying To Head Off a Weekend of Rumination

A few posts ago, I wrote about a problem at work that had an unexpectedly positive resolution. Unfortunately, I still need one more approval to get the thing actually resolved, and that guy has been SLOW! I need to check in with him next week, and it's got my brain going a mile a minute! I started ruminating yesterday afternoon, and I haven't been able to stop. I'm off work until Wednesday, and the last thing I want is to miss out on the fun of days off while worrying.

Luckily I've got a lot to do, so I think I'll be able to avoid it. I sure hope so.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Exercise Really Is the Best

I haven't had a horrible time with OCD over this long weekend. But there were still a lot of "scary" things coming at me. The holidays change my routines, and I remain all about my routines.

So this afternoon when the rain finally cleared, I headed out for a run. It was an excellent run! I put my current favorite song on repeat- it had the perfect tempo- and I ran and ran (by my standards).

And as always, it made me feel great! At the start of the run I cringed at the all the extra trash people had out due to Christmas. Tomorrow's pickup day on my running route, so there was a ton of it. By the end of the run, I aimed for the messiest trash cans and cruised right by. Woo!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Another Classic OCD Day

Today on the way home from a shopping trip, I was thinking how I need to concentrate on moving toward uncertainty, rather than running away.

Then a few hours later, I learned that a Christmas gift I'd ordered isn't expected to arrive until Monday (for some reason it's been hanging out in a Fed Ex facility in Washington State for 4 days- weird).

But I went straight to a bad OCD place. I'm not actually that worried about it not arriving in time for Christmas. It was instead a generic "fear of uncertainty." I just wanted to feel certain about when it would get here and the condition it would arrive in. And then I started to ruminate.

Which of course is exactly the opposite of running toward uncertainty. Ha. So I'm letting it go.

Sunday, December 9, 2012


So I have one friend who also has serious mental health stuff. She and I can talk about ANYTHING. Two weeks ago at work I discovered that I had made a mistake. A full on, need to tell my boss so it can get fixed and it might take a while, mistake. I was freaked OUT! Told Rachel I could imagine ending up fired, etc.

Then on Friday we talked again, and I told her that I thought it had worked out, in fact, that in the end, the chance to fix the outcome might actually make the situation a net plus.

You know what she said to me (with a touch of annoyance in her voice): "once again you're all worried and you end up with a shiny apple in your hand." Huh. I was a bit taken aback. But she's right. I worry and worry, and it's stupid. It wastes time, time that could be spent making my life better, or even making the world better. And then nothing happens. Over and over and over again.

Years ago my therapist told me I could spend time worrying about burning my house down after I'd burned down two. I think I could worry after one, but his point was also well taken.

It's time to redirect my brain onto better things. If something ends up broken I will fix it.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Another Week

This week featured some classic "one step forward two steps back" OCD action. Well, it was probably only one step forward, one step back.

I still struggle with my fear of simple colds. One of my coworkers has a 95 year old mom who's prone to bronchitis, which could actually kill her, given her generally fragile state. My rational self knows that I'm not required to never ever get a cold just so I won't give it to Kathy, who will give it to her mom, who will die.

But I still worry. Last week I had what I think was the world's mildest cold. Frankly, I'm still not sure. I kept waiting for it to get worse, and it just never did. I was a little sniffly, with a minor sore throat.

On Friday I had scheduled lunch with a former co-worker and Kathy. I wanted to cancel it SO badly. There were a number of things about it that tweaked my OCD. But I didn't. Once it was Friday, I actually looked forward to it, too, which is such a rare and pleasant feeling for me regarding social events.

As soon as lunch was over, though, I found new events to try to avoid. It never ends, does it!