Wednesday, June 23, 2010

In the Yucky Middle

I'm in a place where I'm succeeding at more and more exposures. So now I'm moving up to harder ones. For more than a year, when interacting with my aunt, I've nearly always "demanded" something that eases my fears, be it changing the time or date or location of our time together, or when things have been really bad, canceling altogether. My aunt has long been an OCD trigger for me (it's not uncommon for a person to seem "contaminated" for no logical reason- my aunt is that person for me). Now I have the added fear that I will harm HER. And then the extra fear layered on top that if I harm her, the ripple effect will mess up my whole family.

SO, that's awesome. Anyway, starting two weeks ago with the trip to the grocery store, I've been working HARD at letting my interactions with my aunt evolve naturally. It has been difficult. This weekend, it feels like all the options are terrifying- if I drive, if she drives, if we carpool, if we go separately- disaster waiting at every turn. But as yet, I haven't done anything but let my aunt decide time, place, transportation. It feels good, it feels terrible. The compulsions may go away, but the thoughts don't, and I think that's the trickiest part about sticking with ERP.


  1. Stick with it. I'm really impressed. Way to go!

  2. Wow. You are rocking these exposures! Letting things evolve naturally, unfold in the present moment--good stuff!

  3. Stay with it! You can do this! I can relate very much. My "contaminated" person is my dad, which is so painful for me because he is so important to me. I have been going to see him more often lately, and it is getting much easier each time - not to mention I really enjoy spending time with him. For me, the fear was more powerful and scary than the actual exposure.

    Sticking with ERP is painful, but the outcome of staying the course is so awesome, and so very worth it :)