Thursday, June 17, 2010

Feeling Really Empowered. And Scared

I'm marching through exposures (sometimes literally, when I've been walking in places that formerly felt contaminated to me), and it feels great. Mostly. Mixed in is so much anxiety! As expected, of course. If there weren't any anxiety involved, it wouldn't be so difficult, and I would have done this years ago.

My latest "underlying fear" relates to my aunt. After 8 weeks of needing to be driven by members of my family to up to 5 appointments a week, she's off oxygen and able to drive again. As I sat on the bus next to a coughing sneezing man today, I imagined myself getting a cold, giving it to my aunt, and starting her oxygen/needing rides cycle all over again. Ugh. I remind myself that I and my family will be happier in the long run if I don't have OCD, even if it's inconvenient in the short term. I'm still really anxious, though.


  1. If you got your aunt sick that would suck, but I wouldn't feel like you were a bad person, and I wouldn't expect you to ritualize in hopes that you never ever get anyone sick.

  2. I've been amazed at how long and hard this fear of getting someone sick and making them or others mad as a result has lasted. Probably because I haven't been sick in years, which leaves the fear feeling really REAL.

    I guess that means getting sick is the best thing I could do. Ugh.