I've never contemplated suicide. Well, that's not true. I've contemplated and decided that it's something I would never do. There have been plenty of times, however, when I've thought to myself that being dead would be a-okay: I wouldn't have to worry any more, at least. The whole idea of not minding death is ironic, though, considering how much mental effort I've spent over the years worrying about getting sick and dying. Heh.
Lately, there's been a change. Life, while not perfect, is pretty good. When I look forward, contemplating my future, it's with a sense of anticipation, not dread or resignation (well, usually anyway). I enjoy so many things and people in my life. If I were to die tomorrow, I'd miss out on so many good times.
But even in the smaller sense of my future, there's been a change. I'm noticing that I look forward to things nearly every week. Mostly little things: a movie, an event with my sister's family, hanging out with my parents, a sporting event, a potluck at work. I'm so used to dreading events in my future, that it's an astounding change for me.
Life's not all rainbows and unicorns, it couldn't possibly be. But it's getting better and for that I am thankful.
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