Sunday, December 11, 2011

Looking Forward

I've never contemplated suicide. Well, that's not true. I've contemplated and decided that it's something I would never do. There have been plenty of times, however, when I've thought to myself that being dead would be a-okay: I wouldn't have to worry any more, at least. The whole idea of not minding death is ironic, though, considering how much mental effort I've spent over the years worrying about getting sick and dying. Heh.

Lately, there's been a change. Life, while not perfect, is pretty good. When I look forward, contemplating my future, it's with a sense of anticipation, not dread or resignation (well, usually anyway). I enjoy so many things and people in my life. If I were to die tomorrow, I'd miss out on so many good times.

But even in the smaller sense of my future, there's been a change. I'm noticing that I look forward to things nearly every week. Mostly little things: a movie, an event with my sister's family, hanging out with my parents, a sporting event, a potluck at work. I'm so used to dreading events in my future, that it's an astounding change for me.

Life's not all rainbows and unicorns, it couldn't possibly be. But it's getting better and for that I am thankful.


  1. That is such great news. You continue to inspire me. You're a few steps ahead of me, but I'm determined to get there.

  2. So glad that you are feeling better! Looking foward with anticipation is HUGE. I have felt the same way about death--not minding if it came. It's wonderful to look forward to life.

  3. Awesome! I've been in the same shoes - where I thought things would be so much easier if I was just done with this life! But thankfully I was able to get to a place where I enjoy things a great majority of the time now, too.
    So glad you're in a good place. :)

  4. That's wonderful! It really is something to look at all the wonderful little things you get to experience and look forward to. It really does help put things in perspective.

  5. Awesome! I've not only thought about it. I whacked out and landed myself in the loony bin a couple times after trying it. but being alive is way better! Sometimes I find myself making excuses for not being able to go somewhere out of habit. Then I remember that I CAN go if I want to. Usually. And if I can't then it's OK because I'm still alive to try again tomorrow.

  6. I know the feeling of just wanting it all to be over too. Haven't tried it, but have looked at the cars coming down the road as i've put out the garbage and silently said: come here, hit me.- so far nothing's happened :)

    Glad that you're feeling so great! You've worked hard all year and i'm glad it's paying off for you.

    Happy holidays!