Yes, This

The passage quoted below was recently posted on the yahoo groups OCD Support website, and I believe it was written by Dr. Jonathon Grayson. It espresses quite succinctly and well what I have been thinking about and rambling on about lately in the blog:

"When you face a difficult exposure, ask yourself: why would I take this risk?
And when you answer remember in detail: 1) how has OCD made my life miserable, what have I lost, how have I humiliated myself; 2) how have I hurt my loved ones with anger, by making them late, by putting my symptoms before them and finally 3) how do my rituals not really work -- because no matter how extensive your rituals are, I can find a way in which they aren't good enough--leaving you with the choice of becoming worse or accepting that the saddest thing of all is that for all of your ritualizing, you don't even get the prize you are seeking."

Random Thoughts for Today

OCD is funny. People with OCD are funny. On OCD forums recently, a few different people have written, "I'd do ANYTHING to get over my OCD." But they won't really. They're usually asking for a quick fix when they write this. I sometimes feel the same thing. I'd do ANYTHING not to have OCD rule my life. Except, touch that pole on the bus? Well, no, maybe not that. The public restroom? Well, no, maybe not that either.

Fact is, with contamination OCD, if you're willing to do the exposures, you're getting past the OCD. But it's really tough to do.

I'm doing it, though. Most of my underlying concern lately has been about losing my job. But then I asked myself if I'd rather keep my job and be miserable all the time, or lose my job and (ultimately) live a happy life. The job didn't seem as important then. And heck, if I'm willing to lose my job, what's the worry?

So, I'm pushing, pushing, pushing. I touched the door handle on the bus yesterday. I didn't take my shower at the end of the day. I'm heading out to an open house this afternoon, despite the fact that it's just started to rain. I think I'll try some Christmas shopping as well. I find if I take the time to say, "do you WANT to get better," I can often make the right choice.

Let's See

There's not really a lot going on right now.

I'm doubling down on my efforts to not wash my hands overly much, and it's working okay. Today I didn't wash my hands any extra times at work at all, and I touched doorknobs and doorways and faucet handles a lot more than I normally do. I went to the grocery store twice in the last two days without any Purell use. Also took the bus twice this week so far.

H1N1 vaccinations have recently been opened to the general population here, so I got vaccinated today. I guess that means I can touch things with even more reckless abandon. :)

So, not very exciting, but encouraging nonetheless.

Still stewing over the medication question, as I tend to do.

Considering Medication, Part 2

Despite my reasonable success in exposures, something doesn't feel right. I still carry around a sense of doom a lot of the time. And I have an underlying level of mild (moderate?) depression that I can't quite shake.

So I am once again considering medication, possibly at a dose that deals with the depression, if not fully the anxiety. I'm pretty sure a lot of my past reaction to medication (which I took twice for about 2 months each time) was placebo, as I react within days, at a very very low dose, but I guess that's cool, too.

For now, I'm hoping the "threat" of medication will motivate me to more full exposures, but if not, I might be ready to go there. More on this as it arises.

Whew!

My aunt hasn't been in my house since at least April, and I think it's been even longer. Well, make that "hadn't," as she came over today. Like many people with OCD, rather arbitrarily, I feel like she's contaminated, in a generic "she has cooties" sort of way.

It made for a really interesting time while she was treated for cancer this year. I was both trying to avoid getting her sick while also avoiding her cooties. Fun!

But she lives in a very small apartment, and she stores her seasonal things at my house. Now that chemo is done, she wanted to look through her Christmas boxes. I was fairly stressed, but I thought I did pretty okay. It helps that I've been keeping my house much cleaner, so it wasn't a huge chore to get it in shape for a visitor.

We went to lunch after, and she seemed to enjoy herself, so I felt good about that.

Now I'm off to the grocery store and the pet supply store.

What a Surprise

Well, twice in the last week, I was SURE I'd get sick and mess up someone's plans, and twice in the last week, it didn't happen. And somehow, I think it's finally starting to sink in that nothing I worry about ever happens. But also, that people get sick, and then they get better, and that's that. My therapist was totally sick over Thanksgiving, and it didn't really matter, and no one else got sick. My dad is sick now, and all that's happened is a lot of extra napping.

So, I think my brain is getting it, finally. But now I've gotten so used to being a social hermit, that it's a struggle for me to be sociable, even when I'm not actually scared. I need to spend this winter really pushing myself to get out there and socialize, even when it's scary and even when I'd rather be at home reading a book.

A Couple of Good Exposures (If Under Bad Circumstances)

Yesterday at noon, my dad called to tell me he had a cold, and maybe he would stay home from the game we were planning to attend together. Ha! My family's had to accommodate me so long, now they do it voluntarily.

Anyway, that would be the worst thing to do, OCD-wise, so we went as scheduled. I was anxious, but still able to concentrate on the game, so that was good.

Today, it became clear that it was time to put my cat to sleep. So I went to the vet. I think the tech had a cold, and she kept touching my shoulder and arm to comfort me, and I wasn't brave enough to tell her hands off. So the kitty is gone, and I cried and cried, but at least I got an exposure out of a terrible situation. I guess that's good, too. :(