Today it was in the high 90s, with tomorrow and Friday expected to be over 100. For some reason my OCD cranks up a bit when it's hot. It's uncomfortable to be hot, of course, but I'm not sure what the OCD connection is.
I suspect that it's somehow related to control. OCD makes me want to be in control in ways that are simply not possible, and I really cannot control the weather.
This week a friend of mine is in town with her family. This is a friendship that I felt had run its course about 5 years ago, and to be honest, it's run its course even more since then. She has a two year old and a newborn, and so logically it's all about them right now. That's fine and how it should be. But I have long ago accepted that I just really don't enjoy kids very much. As a result, I'm not all that understanding of the changes that children bring to friendships. It limits the friendships in my life. And I'm okay with that.
Anyway, this friend has really continued to work hard to keep our friendship alive. And I feel so guilty about it. I'm having OCD issues around seeing her this week, complicated by the fact that it's a friendship I'd hoped would die a natural death. On the other hand, I have this feeling that I should always fight OCD, but how does that work when it's something I don't want to do anyway?
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You are stronger than you think!
1 year ago
Ann, I have a hard time with that one, too--when are we avoiding something because of OCD, and when are we avoiding something because we simply don't want to do it? I don't think we have to expose ourselves to any and everything to fight OCD. Sometimes we have genuine likes and dislikes that we should honor. That's just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteAnn, I agree with Tina. I've recently come to the same conclusion myself. There are times when I just don't want to do something and that's ok. For a long time I've felt that I had to go on a mission trip with my church because I felt that would be the ultimate sign that I've recovered from my OCD. However, I finally realized that I wanted to go on the trip for completely the wrong reasons. It wasn't about helping anyone else (and it sure should have been), it was about just fighting the OCD. So, I've released myself from that goal, and oh what a relief. Not the kind of relief I get from avoiding an OCD trigger, but the kind of relief where I realize it just wasn't right for me. I don't have to do every little exposure under the sun - I just have to do the ones that help me live the life I want to live a little better.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Tina. Usually I feel sad that I cannot do something because of OCD and an exposure is to allow me to face that fear so I can freely engage myself in what I wish to do. The line may be thin, because my mind can trick me into thinking "I don't want to do that anyway" but I am not jumping out an airplane, ever, and it's not because I have OCD but because I would experience no joy in it and have no desire.
ReplyDeleteHi Ann, I saw your title "Heatwave" on Tina's sidebar and had to look because I wondered if you live in the Pacific Northwest. I live in Albany, Oregon and hell yeah it's been hot. :)
ReplyDeleteFor years, heat would exacerbate my whole pervasive impending doom feeling. I think you're right in that it's a control thing and fear of the unknown, that somehow things aren't right when actually it's very normal to have rising temperatures in August. In other words it's not logical. :) But that doesn't mean it's not real.
As for your friend, this is a tough one. Maybe you can meet at an A/C !! restaurant where it's a given that the meeting will be brief. Just a thought. I hope it works out. And let's hope it cools down soon.
Thanks for the post. Yay, we made it through the heat wave! I'm sitting by my open window basking in the cooler air.
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