Reading Old Posts

I don't read my old blog posts very often. Usually only when I'm looking to reference something in a current post. Tonight I randomly was looking back about a year and a half ago. In some ways, I can clearly see where I've made some important strides forward. In other ways, I feel like nothing has changed. Next time I do that, I'd like to see a greater contrast.

Whatever Happened to My Goals for the Week?

A while back I was posting goals for the week, and then, I wasn't.

I was reminded of them this morning, as I headed out to the store with some very specific goals: I would drop off a prescription at the pharmacy, then head to the grocery store across the parking lot, where I would use the restroom.

Alas the pharmacy doesn't open until 10 on Sunday. Still, I grabbed my grocery cart firmly by the handles (usually I just pull it from the front), then I used the restroom, and went about my merry shopping way. Then I came home and ate a snack and started my laundry without washing my hands. Oh, and did I mention the woman I passed by with the cold sore? I tried to tell myself she probably checked out in my line, but I didn't push that one too hard.

Scary for a bit, mostly satisfying!!

So, goals for this week:
Use an unfamiliar public restroom.
Attend a movie theater, with no shower after.
Take a bag of yard waste to my parents' house, whether or not it's raining.
No handwashing this week at work, even if people have colds.
Continue to pet the neighbor's cat without washing after.

Why Are There So Few?

I am often amazed by how few people there are who really have their OCD under control. I don't actually believe that it's because those people went off to happily live their lives and are too busy to check in on OCD boards. I'm sure that's true for some people, especially for the lucky few that stumbled onto good treatment early on in their OCD, but I sincerely believe that most people get a little better, then get worse, repeat, repeat, repeat.

HOWEVER, there are a few people who post on the yahoo OCD Board who truly seem as close to cured as you can get. And they tell the same story: they decided they weren't going to do compulsions anymore. It took some time and it took some work, but it WORKS. And now, when obsessions crop up, they smack them down immediately, before OCD can take hold again.

It's a testament to how strong the hold of OCD is, that despite knowing this, that despite how crappy OCD makes our lives, that despite how straightforward treatment is (at least for contamination and checking types, like I have), how HARD it is to do what those people have done. I'm s-l-o-w-l-y getting there, but despite my successes, there are still exposures that seem soooo hard and scary.

Different Perspectives

On Sunday, I went to a concert with my parents (my mom's in a community orchestra). After the concert, I helped my mom clean up the reception, then we all went to dinner.

I ordered finger food and ate it without washing first. I ate food off both my parents' plates, I shared food with my mom using my fingers. I drank my water after my dad picked it up by the rim with hands I know are washed zero times every day. Then at the end of the meal, my mom joked about how we couldn't share a dessert because I wouldn't be willing to eat a piece of cake off the same plate. I will admit I was ticked off, although I made a joke about it. She really doesn't get OCD at all, and she also seems not to ever notice when I do exposures.

Oh well.

The List

A few months ago, I wrote out a list of things I wanted to do this year, but that OCD preferred I didn't: ride the bus, shop at thrift stores, things like that. One thing that took me until this week to do was "sell things on ebay." I did it years ago, but recently I've been afraid of sending germs off with my packages, or having something go wrong, or you know, just general disaster. This week I sold two things. It was a little scary, but I mailed them off. No disaster yet.

Simon

My cat Simon died on Tuesday. He had a heart defect, that apparently led to a clot breaking off and lodging in an artery. It wasn't a peaceful way to go, but on the plus side, he didn't suffer over days as he got sicker and sicker, as often happens with pets.

I adopted Simon when I already had two cats, and really didn't need another. I was just visiting the shelter with a friend. He had the most amazing, sad, pathetic "take me home" face. However, when you took him out of the cage to visit with him, he put up the most ridiculous racket I've ever heard out of a housecat. I assume that's why he was still there making that same pathetic face when I went back to check on him a week later. And then he was mine.

As long as he wasn't in a shelter or a car, he was a sweet cheerful easy-going kitty. He started out terrified of outside, but he grew to love it. Luckily he never figured out how to get over the chain link fence in the back yard, so I didn't have to worry about him getting into the street or cat fights. Not that he would get in a cat fight. His approach to meeting other cats went something like, "Yay, it's another cat!!" The one time he tangled with another kitty, he almost died, because he apparently lay down on his back to play, and the kitty nearly got his jugular. He may not have been super smart...

I will miss him.

Nope, I Was Wrong

Today got worse. Cat died. :(