Working on some tricky stuff

Well, I remain in the "final stages" of getting the house ready. I guess it's a long final stage, ha! I have talked to several real estate agents now, so I'm moving along. The house is mostly empty, but I still need to clean up the garden, and clean clean clean the house itself. That includes 14 windows on the main floor, each of which has a storm window. Hooray! I've always loved the light that those windows bring into the house, but here's the downside!

There are two house projects that my OCD really wants me to do. My sister has told me no, as did the real estate agents. I've convinced myself that if I don't do them, something terrible will happen to the new owner and it will be all.my.fault. But I know it's just my attempt to achieve certainty, and that's not possible. I almost always give in to OCD in these situations, and I'm trying really really really REALLY hard not to. So far the message I've sent to my brain is that the only reason disaster is averted is that I do what OCD says. That's not the right message. And in addition, I cannot keep everyone safe. Life happens. Hard work.

Back to Blogging

I've been a very infrequent blogger this spring. I'm going to try to get back to it more regularly.
In classic form, last week I convinced myself the medication wasn't really making much difference, and I stopped taking it. The ramped up anxiety I experienced 4 days later seems to make it clear that it was making a difference. So back on it I go. My side effects have been minor, but I do seem to get more headaches, which I'm not enjoying.

Things in my life are BUSY. I moved to a rental duplex a month ago, and I'm in the final stages of getting my house ready to sell. I'm really enjoying the new place a lot. It's a good location, great space, and I still have a yard for gardening, but I don't have to mow the lawn!

But pretty much, if I'm not at work or sleeping, I'm working on the old house. Hoping to list it June 15th-ish, but that might be optimistic.

The Medication May Be Working

It seems I didn't mention it here, but I started up on an SSRI in February, a low-ish dose. I can't quite tell if it's working (oh, now I see I did mention it a few posts ago). Past side effects have included insomnia but this time I'm tired, so so tired. And the dreams: vivid, sometimes disturbing dreams. I was thinking of giving it up, since I don't see a huge effect. But before I did so, I upped this dose a small amount this week. And I think I'm seeing a difference. For the first time in who knows how long, I woke up yesterday feeling excited about a few things this week, including signing the lease on my new apartment. Feeling excited rather than terrified is really really rare for me. Is it the medication? Is it the situation? Can't say for sure. Other aspects of my upcoming move have me terrified. But I'd say there's enough chance that the good feelings are related to the medication that I'm going to stick with it a while longer.

An Easter Update

I'm not much of an Easter celebrator, although I do have candy. Mostly I'm wondering if it's okay to run my borrowed weed whacker today, the only non-rainy day in the 10 day forecast.

But on to OCD. It's been a stressful time in my life. After much hemming and hawing, I made the decision to sell my house and live in a rental until I decide if I want to buy another house some day. I've found a great place and will sign a lease that starts next Friday.

Moving is stressful under the best of mental conditions, but of course OCD adds whole new levels of complication. I haven't lived with shared walls for 16 years, so that's scary. Moving vans scare me, selling my house scares me, etc.

I'm moving forward, because despite the fear, I'm super excited at the potential for my life without so much yardwork and house maintenance. The new space is big enough to feel comfortable but small enough that I think I might be able to keep it clean. (especially since I may lose my deposit if I don't!) I'm trying to be ruthless about getting rid of clutter as I pack up my house. I'm a packrat, so I'm not as ruthless as I SHOULD be, but better than ever before.

Actively Working This

I've been pretty active on beating contamination OCD for a while now. I've been simply TERRIBLE at fighting other types of OCD, as well as my general "it's all going to end badly" generalized anxiety.
Today, as often happens, giving into anxiety only made it worse. But I'm attacking that "worse" outcome the right way.

I needed to have a contractor out to give me a bid. He was going to come out next week. But I got nervous, so I actually left work early today and had him come out to the house this afternoon. But while he was here, he had to jump down from a height of about 5 feet, and then of course he commented on his bad knee. Ack! Argh. If only... he'd come next week instead, I'd thought to get out my step ladder, etc., etc. I'm imagining him needing surgery, sabotaging the job as a result, etc. etc.

SO, I wrote up a script. I'm reading it. I'm not letting myself (except for writing this) go to the what if place. Instead I'm facing the anxiety and I'll wait for it to go down.

It's not easy, my brain ruminates in a nearly automatic way. But seriously, enough is enough, it's time to double down, triple down, and do this right.

March Update

How's that for an exciting title! I have been using the CBT workbook, although not as consistently as I should. But I've actually filled out worksheets, which I've never done before. So I'll get there. I did start back up on medication a couple of weeks ago. I can't say I'm seeing any difference at this point, but I'm also on a very very low dose. I'm also not having any side effects, so that's a huge plus.

I'm really enjoying seeing the signs of spring. The plants and the warmer weather do me a ton of good. The spring rains, not so much.

I hope everyone's having a nice early spring. I know a lot of the country has been slammed with snow, so if that's you, I hope you're at least staying warm!

Generalized Anxiety

I just got a great workbook about using CBT for Panic, Generalized Anxiety and Social Anxiety. Now, I'm fully aware that I've touted workbooks in the past as looking great, and then I've never mentioned them again. So I'm a little skeptical myself.

I do hope I use this one, because the anxiety has been rough this winter. I dream of quitting my job or selling my house, but my good friend has reminded me that I'll just find anxiety in the next job or the next house. I tell myself that THIS anxiety is different, worse, than what I'll find elsewhere, but it's not true. I've felt that way about a steady stream of things for years: if I just get through this one, my life will be so much easier. Nope, the next thing comes along, usually immediately.

My friend and I have set up a challenge with each other. We've each got a new workbook, so we've committed to working with them before next weekend. Hopefully I'll have some progress to post about by then.