Scary Social Events: A Crapshoot

About a week ago, I looked at the calendar and realized that it had been more than six weeks since I'd attended a "scary social event." Since the original goal was to do this an average of once a week, I was well overdue. Luckily, there were several things coming up on the calendar.

The first was a reception for a non-profit I thought I might be interested in volunteering with. I knew it would be hard for me, since I didn't know anyone, and I'm not a good mingler, but I decided to go for it. It did not work out well. When I walked in, I asked the woman manning the check in table about volunteering. She told me the best thing to do would be to look at their website. My heart sank, as I realized that meant I had basically lost my potential conversation topic before I even got started. Now, if I were a better chit-chatter, I could have talked to the people there, almost all certainly current volunteers, about their experiences. Unfortunately, I am not a good chit-chatter, everyone was sitting with at least one other person at a table, and most of them looked about 20. They didn't have any poster board information to stand in front of and pretend to read. So after about 4 minutes, I left. So, I think we can call that one a dud. It was scary social event #33 for the year, though, even if only for 4 minutes.

On the other hand, yesterday I had a FAR better experience. I suspected I would. The local neighborhood association was volunteering at the food bank. I figured even if the social part went poorly, there'd be something to do. It got off to a rocky start, as I couldn't find the group for about 10 minutes. Once I did, it turned out they all knew each other, but not surprisingly, people who serve on the board of the neighborhood association are very welcoming. I chatted like I knew how, met some very nice people, all of whom live within a quarter mile of me, and helped the community in the process. Scary social event #34: a rousing success. The very very best part? For the entire time I was there, I didn't have one single OCD related thought. Heaven!

Three Steps Forward (and one step back)

Yesterday evening was great! I went to a scary social event that I'd all but decided I wasn't going to. There were people I knew were sick, plus someone whose kid might have strep. I went, I shook people's hands, ate food with those hands, and stayed the whole time. I introduced myself to at least 3 people I'd never met before.

When I got back to my car, I did not use the hand sanitizer I had there, and I went grocery shopping on my way home. It felt great!

My one step back? At the second store I shopped at, the clerk had a cold sore. I did okay for a bit, even ran my hand through my hair. But when I got home, I found I was very particular about what I touched- even wiped down my phone.

So, not perfect. But still a good OCD night. And it was fun, too.

Friday Updates

I'd been sitting with the anxiety about lunch with my aunt, and while it hadn't disappeared, it had gone down quite a lot. Today she called me at work to cancel. She'd had a fight with my dad and it stressed her out so much she didn't want to meet. Her calling me at work was a clear OCD-based action on her part. She couldn't wait the few hours it would take till I got home to get it off her chest. I'm torn. On the one hand, yay, I get my morning back. On the other hand, it actually made my anxiety zoom back up a little, with the uncertainty involved- would she change her mind again before tomorrow, now we have to reschedule, etc. I went for a brief walk, and now I'm feeling okay-ish again.

Interactions like this with her always remind me why I'm willing to sit with tough exposures: I don't want to live a life like hers, so stressful, so empty.

But a great thing happened today, too. I went to the knitting at lunch group! The people were so welcoming and nice. Oftentimes at the end of a social event, I think ugh, that sucked, or even worse, ugh, I suck. Today I left feeling like I couldn't wait to go back. Yay for scary social event #15!

Scary Social Events Update

My goal for the year was to average one "scary social event" each week, that is a social event that didn't involve my family. I was doing quite well until early April, reaching event number 12 during week number 14 of the year. The start of my two month break coincided almost exactly with my aunt's latest hospital admission. I've been working to ramp up again. Last week was my book club. Tomorrow I'm scheduled to start a 3 or 4 week knitting class. I really don't want to go, but I know that it's mostly OCD-based. What if the teacher touches my knitting? What if my classmates are sick? Plus generic social anxiety. I feel the same way about EVERY new social activity. I'm pretty sure that if I get back on a once a week (or more) schedule, these won't feel as hard. Here's hoping.