Doing It Right

In several previous posts, I think I've noted that "If you're not scared, you're not doing it right," with respect to exposures. Today I went down to the little community grocery store. It's very small in there, and it was crowded. I touched lots of things, and there was a lot of sneezing (okay, there was a little sneezing). I came home and really wanted to take a shower, which I'm fully aware is an extreme reaction.

So I'm just sitting around feeling contaminated, and waiting for the feeling to pass. Fun times!

Potluck

Today I had another reminder of how limiting my OCD can (try to) be. We had a potluck at work, and I considered not participating. I love potlucks, and in my 37 years of them, can't think of a single instance of getting any kind of food poisoning as a result.

And yet for a little while, it really seemed scary and dangerous. Weird.

Update for Today

I rode the bus! Disaster has not ensued!
On the way home, the bus passed by a high school cross country meet. I ran cross country in high school (not well, but I don't guess that matters), so I stopped to check it out. I had a brief moment of fear- all those high school students together in one place, surely some were sick. But I stayed, and it was fun to watch. It was another reminder that I rarely go places anymore, especially if I have a chance to think about it ahead of time. I'd like that to change.

Back on the Bus

Tomorrow I'm back on the bus. It's actually only been two weeks since I last took the bus to work, but it feels a lot longer. Of course yesterday our bus system sent out an email with tips to avoid the flu while on the bus. They recommend carrying sanitizing wipes. So, uhh, that's not helping. But people have been hacking and sneezing my way on the bus for months, so hopefully tomorrow won't be much scarier than any old day.

One Step Forward, 3/4 of a Step Back

Despite moderate anxiety, I was able to visit my family today. The visits weren't super smooth, though. My sister had gone to a farm to buy apples and pears, and she wanted to set the boxes on her bathroom scale to split up the fruit by weight. I freaked a little. For a number of reasons (involving children's potty chairs), her scale has always seemed contaminated, plus it lives in the bathroom!

Then I went to visit my folks. I normally lurk to be sure that my mom washes her hands before cooking, or I'm just there helping and can see, but I wasn't paying attention today, so I asked her (she had). But later she went rummaging through the freezer out in the garage and then went straight to making salad. Again I freaked a little although I still ate the salad; the garage freezer isn't the most hygienic.

My family is fairly accommodating, but I probably shouldn't ask them to be, and I always feel like something of a failure after I make a weird request or get upset about something. Ugh. At least I netted that 1/4 of a step forward.

That's Just My OCD Lying to Me

It can be dangerous to fall into the "that's just my OCD" trap, because it can start to be just another form of reassurance, another way to look for certainty.

At the same time, I'm finding it useful in helping me do some exposures. My therapist reminded me this week that I have exactly zero instances of worrying about a horrible outcome and having that horrible outcome come true. That's not to say I never get sick, but that when I do, nothing much terrible happens. Which really makes it all the more astounding that I can still worry so hard.

So I find it useful to remind myself that OCD is lying to me. Remembering that OCD is the enemy of my happiness makes me want to work harder. And I'm going to need that, as my last excuse to avoid exposures, my coworker's wedding, was yesterday.

Today I'm off to a movie, to visit my nieces, and to do some shopping. I have not been to a movie in quite a while.

I have been driving to work a lot. Partly due to weather, but mostly to avoid my fellow passengers. A big goal for this week is to get back on the bus.

Venting

It's my blog, so I can take a moment to vent, right? (and yes, I know, that the new improved exposure friendly me should be welcoming these exposures, but whatever!)

Dear Coworkers,
If you want to come to work sick, I can't stop you. But must you tell me about it? And must you tell me while also punctuating your conversation by continually touching me on the arm?

And to my boss. Fine, you want me to bring my budget book to the meeting. Must you then lick your finger before every page turn? If you want to spit on the budget, use your own.

There, I feel better already.