Made It Through This Week

This was a tough week. Some big events with anxiety attached. And I'm training a coworker who has a VERY different learning style than I do. I've lost track of the number of times he's asked me questions (sometimes multiple times) that I've already answered. I get that it's all new, but it's more than just not getting it. It's that when he's not ready for a new piece of info, he just ignores what I'm telling him. Which makes trying to train someone tricky.

Anyway, it's no fun at all, although it will be over with fairly soon.

And I made it through the scary parts of the week with no ill effects. There was even a moment when I woke up in the middle of the night and had the awareness that I wasn't feeling any anxiety at all. That was a nice feeling.

Ready for Next Steps

I've decided to leave my job in October or November. I haven't told anyone there yet, but I've started mapping out what I'd like to get done before I leave.

But I'm also realizing I'd like to get some non-work things "done" as well. My OCD is fine-ish (which, haha, my computer just corrected to fiendish!), but not fabulous. I don't have delusions that quitting my job will make it fabulous. Indeed, I still need to do that work to get there. But I'd like to feel better equipped to carry on the hard work when I have either time to do it, or so much free time that OCD might choose to fill in the blanks.

Today was one of those days where I was ruminating on one thing until a new one came along. Then, immediately the old worry was nothing and the new worry was HUGE, LIKELY, IMPORTANT. One good thing about this is that when it happens, I know enough to identify it as OCD. And sometimes that even helps with the worries: if they can go away so quickly when something shinier comes along, they're probably not that important. Either way, though, there's still worry. I had a chance to do major avoidance on the new worry, and I didn't. I jumped right in. Whoo. I feel a little sick.

On Checking

I've never had BIG checking problems, but it has been an issue for as long as I've had OCD. Back at the beginning, I had trouble leaving work each day, because I had to check that I'd turned off my desk light. Otherwise it might cause a fire and then the sprinklers would go off and then there'd be mold. Mold was my big thing.

That's passed, but I still have mild checking stuff. Especially before I leave the house on vacation. But I've been working on it.

Many times at work, I'll still circle back to my cubicle and check (now it's my adding machine) but I don't always do it. I also have trouble if I'm the last to leave from my department, which I often am due to my schedule.

Last Friday I looked in the fridge and used the sink in the kitchen. Then I walked back down the hall. And I stopped. Did I turn off the water? Did I close the fridge? When I closed the cabinet, did something get thrown out of whack? Don't worry, I thought, the security guy will be through. Whew, okay. But what if he isn't? What if there's a flood in there. And of course as I'm doing this, I'm walking back and forth- toward the kitchen, away from the kitchen, repeat. Hopefully no one was around to see that, haha!

In the end, I knew it was checking, and I knew it was bad for me, and I walked away and I went home. Hooray!

I Sure Do This a Lot

Despite some efforts at mindfulness, I'm spending a lot of time worried about my work issue. It should be resolved, or at least partly resolved by the 25th or 26th. Which seems VERY far away. But it's made me think back to other times that I've done this exact thing: worry about something incessantly for up to a month. And every time, when it's done I think, that was SUCH A HUGE WASTE OF MY VALUABLE TIME.

A few examples:
the time my neighbor's garbage was overflowing for 3 weeks.
the LAST time I had to wait a month to resolve a work problem.
the time I was sure the arborist would electrocute himself when he took down my tree.
the time I was sure the roofers would die while re-roofing my house.
the time I was sure the radon remediation would bring radiation and ruin to my life.

I see a trend: work and house, work and house.

So I guess I need to quit my job and sell my house. Problems solved!!!

Just kidding.

What's the block I have on trying techniques that will help: mindfulness, meditation, truly accepting the fears, etc etc.? I have the tools, I even know they work, because I have done so many successful ERP sessions.

I have read that having poor insight into your OCD makes treatment less successful. And I know that I have poor insight with respect to these "non-contamination" type fears. I am much more likely in these cases to actually believe that the bad outcome is not just likely, but inevitable.

But just because poor insight makes treatment harder, it doesn't make it impossible, and I really need to get my rear in gear on these, because life is pretty miserable this way. And man, does time pass slowly!!!!

My Job Continues to Kick My Butt

I think I'm making more mistakes at work. I'm currently doing two people's worth of work, plus I'm already mentally checked out to some extent (with plans to leave in about 6 months). I'm still mostly doing a great job, but this week I made another high profile mistake. I told my boss immediately, and he was totally unfazed.

But the person whose budget it was was fazed (is that a word?) And unfortunately every time I make a mistake, her budget seems to be involved. I'm pretty sure it happens because I'm terrified of her, and I don't ask questions that I'd ask of anyone else. As always, it will take about a month to figure out if this turns into a "thing" or passes harmlessly. I am not good at waiting it out!

I feel mostly great about my decision to leave my job. But then I wonder if it's letting OCD win? I feel fairly comfortable saying that my personality is not suited for the stress of this type of job. But I don't know. Maybe staying is an exposure that I should do?