Well, had a bad OCD experience this week. It was a classic "OCD doesn't want me to be patient even though I really really should" kind of experience.
I sold an item on ebay. I meant to sell only to U.S. buyers, but a Canadian managed to buy it (darn you, Canada!). So the shipping was way too low. I was too wimpy to charge the full amount, but I did raise the price a bit. Then the guy didn't pay for a few days. Of course I was sure something terrible had happened. I freaked out. He sent an email saying it was a PayPal issue. No disaster after all.
But here's the worst thing. Well, the worst things. One, I spent literally hours researching shipping internationally. My pay rate on this sale is down to about $2 an hour. THEN, I got so worried about how this would end, I mailed it before I even received payment, just to have the box out of my house because looking at it was causing so much stress! Yes, indeed. I was THAT unwilling to wait it out. Even though I knew without a doubt that my anxiety would eventually come down if I waited.
Then I got home from the post office having convinced myself that the batteries I included would explode in transit.
The thing that frustrates me the most about this whole experience is that I knew it was my OCD talking, and I knew I should slow down and sit through the anxiety, but I didn't do it. Sigh.
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You are stronger than you think!
1 year ago
Don't be hard on yourself. I find that even when I recognize something as OCD, it doesn't always lead me to ignore it or make allowances for it. Sometimes we give in to the OCD. I still think it's great that you recognized it.
ReplyDeleteI empathize, Ann. I've been going through similar feelings lately. In the back of my mind, I always know that my strange beliefs and scary thoughts are all anxiety related, but I just can't seem to ignore them and feel the need to act to make sure that they don't happen. I find breathing exercises help quite a lot, if only to avert my attention to something else. :)
ReplyDeleteI had to chuckle at the part where you worried about the batteries exploding after you dropped the package off..that would be so me. Well, I can certainly relate and empathize with this situation as I get very impatient too and waiting is not my forte. Don't beat yourself up over it though, "you don't have to battle with OCD perfectly"..just read that from an OCD doctor.
ReplyDeleteAt least you recognized it was OCD. Nobody's perfect and there will be a next time (especially if you continue to sell Ebay items to Canadians:) )!
ReplyDeleteOh sorry Ann! Sounds like a really bad experience. Yep, so would have worried about the batteries too! Hey, tomorrow is another day and let's face it-there will be plenty of opportunities to battle OCD in the future.
ReplyDeleteOCD in the moment can be SO hard to fight. :(
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you had a difficult day Ann. I can empathise with exactly what that feels like. However, it is interesting to see your perspective here (I am new to your blog and had a kind of "lightbulb" moment).
ReplyDeleteI have had CBT and I know that one of things that it teaches you is to sit with the anxiety and eventually, the feelings of worry and desperation surpass. A way of dealing with intrusive thoughts without turning to the usual rituals.
I just liked the way that you term it as "being patient with the OCD". It kind of turns the OCD into a troublesome child who is throwing a tantrum, which makes you the rational, yet caring, parent. The parent who understands that, once the anxiety has reached it peak, it will naturally come down.
Again, I am sory you have had a difficult day. But it is good for me to get other people's perspective on OCD and ways to deal with it.