Another Good Book

David Tolin has written a great new book about do-it-yourself exposure therapy. You may remember him from his appearances on A&E's Hoarders or The OCD Project that I think was on VH1. I'm about halfway through the book and it's really really good. It's not just about OCD, but for the most part, the information about dealing with other anxiety applies to OCD as well.

I'm surprised I hadn't heard of this one, just stumbled onto it at the library. I can't even remember the name at the moment, but I think it's Face Your Fears. I am apparently too lazy to go downstairs and check [just googled, and yes, that is the name].

Anyway, it's really inspiring me to get moving on my summer plans for exposures. I will review more formally when I actually finish it.

Update

The day after the "infamous apology," I had another (unrelated) meeting with my boss. She asked something about whether the incident had rolled around my head the night before. She has no reason to know that I have OCD. So I can only assume that, as I thought, my reaction was one that even people without OCD would have. Interesting.

Ruminating Up a Storm

Tonight I find myself ruminating. It's not an OCD issue, I don't think, but the "going over it all in my head" feels the same, and it doesn't feel healthy or productive. To make a long story medium-sized:

Yesterday at work I was included in a meeting. During this meeting, a powerful person was rude to a coworker. It wasn't over the top, but it was mean spirited and my coworker felt blindsided. I will say that in a different workplace, this behavior may not have been that unusual. My workplace is very very PC, however, and any level of "belittling" is pretty unacceptable (and it should be, I think, I just suspect it's sometimes the norm). At the same time, I believe powerful person has a history of this type of behavior with little consequence, due to her position in our organization.

In any case, next thing I know, my boss and I are meeting with the head of our organization, who is not pleased with powerful person's treatment of staff. And the next thing I know again, powerful person is stopping by my desk to apologize. It was an excruciatingly awkward moment. In any other situation, I would have brushed it off with something like "don't worry about it, but thanks." But I knew this was a big deal to the big boss, so I felt I should simply thank her for the apology. But that left very little to say. Yuck. I think it was made worse by the fact that she hadn't said anything much to me that required an apology. I barely spoke during the initial meeting, and was barely spoken to.

So I find myself stewing on it, wishing somehow it had gone differently (ha, really I wish I just hadn't been invited to the meeting). And of course, apology or no, I can't help but think that powerful person is probably just mad at me. That doesn't feel comfortable either.

On the plus side, I assume my need to run it through my mind will blow over, just like it does in OCD, so I just need to wait it out. I think I'll watch a movie while I do.

One Of Those Goofy OCD Moments

Today I looked out the window and saw my neighbor's cat pooping in my garden. Now I'm pretty sure the normal reaction to that is "Ooh, get out of the garden!" And that was my reaction.

But then, once I'd shooed the cat away, I thought to myself hey, anytime the cat uses my yard instead of their litter box, that's a little less garbage to fill their garbage can to overflowing. Oh, OCD.

Work

I think I've mentioned before that I kick butt at "work." I'm terrible with relationships and have minimal social skills, but I'm great at finding and keeping jobs.

I stumbled into my current job with pretty much no experience. They couldn't find anyone they liked just as I started interning there and somehow I got hired without ever having a formal interview. The only reason I was there at all is that my first choice of internship sites flaked on me (and good thing, as they've been laying people off like crazy lately- like I said, jobs are my secret power). Five years later, I'm still here. Now a coworker is retiring, and it looks like I have a good chance at an informal promotion into her job.

I'm extremely grateful that my work life has gone this way, even when my OCD was at its worst. While I'd love to find my perfect life mate, given that I haven't, I'm happy to be able to have a stable income while I keep looking.

But despite my track record, I still find that work can be a source of OCD stress. The "promotion" is a fabulous opportunity. Except for the fact that the new work is something I find hard to do and sort of stressful. Oh, and my boss specifically noted that I don't get to leave behind one particular piece of my current job. Unfortunately, it's the piece gets me convinced about every 6 months that I'll be audited and sent to jail.

So yeah, it's not perfect. But it's what I've got and I'm happy to have it.

Darn It

Yet again, today I found myself trying to schedule something at a totally weird inconvenient- for-most time, just because it felt better for my OCD. Luckily, it didn't work. So I'm feeling REALLY anxious right now. And I just sitting here feeling it. It sucks, but I can also acknowledge that this is the way I should have dealt with it in the first place. Even as I was trying to make the shoehorned schedule work I knew that.

I wish I could make the right choice in the first place. Maybe someday I will.

Misc.

I'm trying to schedule myself for things that scare me. While I'm prone to backing out even after I've scheduled, I don't always. This weekend I arranged to help my mom plant her tomatoes out. I have a fear of bringing tomato diseases to her yard (all my tomatoes got a terrible blight two summers ago), so I sort of wanted to avoid helping. But instead we're scheduled for Saturday, weather pending.

Last week I realized that for the first time since OCD came along, my fingers didn't crack ONCE this winter. I didn't even slather on lotion that often. Just another benefit of stopping the hand washing at work. Also, I can drop food on surprisingly dirty floors these days and then pick it up and eat it. I don't know if that can rightly be considered an accomplishment :) but it is an affront to my OCD.

Tough Week

Nothing much happened. I just felt down. Pure O Canuck has noted that her OCD ramps up right before her period. I've noticed that I get weepy a few days before, but I've never had OCD issues much. Till this week. Everything just seemed scary and overwhelming. I did okay at sitting with the ugh that I felt. But it sure wasn't fun. Next week that should be over, and the sun is supposed to come back out. Here's hoping for a fabulous week!