Yet again, today I found myself trying to schedule something at a totally weird inconvenient- for-most time, just because it felt better for my OCD. Luckily, it didn't work. So I'm feeling REALLY anxious right now. And I just sitting here feeling it. It sucks, but I can also acknowledge that this is the way I should have dealt with it in the first place. Even as I was trying to make the shoehorned schedule work I knew that.
I wish I could make the right choice in the first place. Maybe someday I will.
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You are stronger than you think!
1 year ago
Sitting with the anxiety is an accomplishment--sometimes that's all we can do, and it's better than doing a compulsive ritual or obsessive thoughts. The way you fight the OCD and accomplish so much--it won't be long before it will become second-nature not to let OCD make decisions for you.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up for that fact that it's not your first instinct to make what you call a "right" choice! Why would it be your first instinct? You have OCD! As far as I'm concerned, the MUCH bigger accomplishment is the recognition of that first instinct, and then your subsequent fighting of it. It is incredibly difficult to change a pattern of thinking, especially when it involves purposely putting ourselves in uncomfortable or painful situations. I'm sure as you continue to practice ERPs, these instincts will lessen with time. In either case, it's what you DO about it that matters. Plus, you don't want or need to be perfectionistic in your recovery. I'm proud of you for sitting with the anxiety. See, you are doing the "right" thing. Please give yourself a break. I truly believe you are doing much better than you give yourself credit for. (((Hug)))
ReplyDeleteIf we made all the 'right' choices the first time we'd be perfect. Unfortunately we humans aren't set up that way. Have you read Portia Nelson's poem Autobiography in 5 Steps? It illustrates this problem in a really cool way.
ReplyDeleteAutobiography in Five Short Chapters
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street.
~ Portia Nelson ~
(There's a Hole in My Sidewalk)
I first read this when i was going thru child abuse recovery. I looked it up on the internet not long ago because i wanted a copy for myself as i was going thru the OCD street.
Well I sure understand how you're feeling right now. I am raw at the moment, but it sure makes me feel part of humanity to know that others make mistakes too. :o)
ReplyDelete