The Biggest OCD Irony of All

In response my last post, Blue Morpho wrote a comment noting that OCD may in itself count as a "tragedy." Which reminded me of the biggest irony of all: OCD has caused me to spend hours, weeks, MONTHS of time worrying that something terrible might happen. But so far, really the ONLY truly terrible thing that's ever happened in my life is that I have OCD.

Would my life be perfect without OCD? Unlikely. But it sure would be closer.

Feeling A Little Silly

Or something. I know life is not a "who has it worst" contest. But some days I read other OCD-ers blogs and I can't help but think to myself, self? You're worried about getting a cold. Look at the all the crap your peers are dealing with in their lives and suck it up!

Now I also know that OCD takes our brains in crazy directions, and I can be more stressed at the thought of a cold than some people without OCD would be at actual tragedy, but writing that just makes the comparison look even worse.

Just another incentive to fight back, I suppose.

I Have a Cold

I've even taken two days off work! Yesterday I felt a little guilty, as a I wasn't that sick, but I'm sure I was full on contagious. Today, on the other hand, I feel rotten.

When I get a cold and nothing terrible happens, I keep thinking/hoping that my brain will finally learn that it's not a big deal. Unfortunately, so far what happens is this: ooh, I missed work. If I get another cold next month, I'll get a reputation as a slacker.

Or, well, I didn't pass *this* cold on to anyone, so next time I'm sure to.

In any case, I've been making myself go out and touch things in the world, and I will continue to do so.

Apparently I Post On the Weekend

Well, we're full on into cold season. Probably not flu season yet. I don't love thinking about being surrounded by sick people, but I'm doing much better than usual. This weekend I've scheduled a zillion errands, all of which will put me in contact with lots of potentially sick people.

This summer I developed a habit of taking a shower and making sure all my clothes hadn't been worn since I laundered them before going to my sister's house. At first I think it was a fear of bringing her my cat's (nonexistent) fleas, then it became a more generic OCD-germ thing. Today I'm going to see them. I will take a shower, because I'm objectively grimy. But I will be pulling my outfit from the "already worn once" pile. And I'm not going to avoid bringing her some coupons I saved, which I sometimes won't do if I feel like my house is dirty. It sounds small, but I'm pretty happy about the progress on this front.

What To Say

I hate going more than a week without posting. Several times this week I've tried to post, but there's just not much going on right now. I'm doing fine, although if I think too hard about it, I'm definitely not challenging myself much these days. But when I do the same old stuff, I'm doing great at not washing and mediumly well at not avoiding.

This morning I was going through old papers and I found my calendar from 2004. I still lived in Seattle at that time. While it didn't seem like it at the time, I had such a more active social life then. One or two social events every week, on top of volunteering 5-10 hours a week, as well as working 32 hours a week. I'm working full time now, and I do a few social things here and there, but I just don't have the same circle of friends now that I did then. Part of me wants that, part of me is sort content in my curmudgeonliness (I'm sure that's not a word!)

I guess if I grow to hate my isolation, I'll make a change.

A Pretty Decent Weekend

Well, it did indeed rain on the soccer game. My niece did indeed not wash her hands before dinner. (As a proud aunt, I have to note that she scored 3 goals!) I did well. I even gave her a ride to the restaurant. I ate the bread with my hands at dinner without too much anxiety. I didn't manage to make myself use the restroom at the restaurant, but I'm not going to beat myself up over than one.

When I've felt anxiety this weekend, instead of going with my usual "if only" approach-- "oh, if only the rain had held off one more hour"-- I'm reminding myself that only by getting through the exposures will I come out on the other side. It's true, and it makes me feel a lot better, too. The "bad" things are actually "good" things.