So Terrible at "Response Prevention"

I'm so good at the academic principles of OCD treatment. I've mentioned before how many books on OCD I have and how many more I've read.

I'm not as good at actually following through on hard exposures. It's taken me all these years to finally really hear the message that part of getting better is learning that the feeling of anxiety is uncomfortable, but that's okay, you can survive it. And when you do, you learn that anxiety isn't as scary as you thought. My brain hasn't learned that part yet. But I'm working on it.

Over many years of therapy, with professionals and on my own, I've only been able to go so far, and then the exposures have seemed too scary, the anxiety too much. For what I think is the first time, I'm trying to push through on harder exposures. I'm not enjoying it one bit, and I haven't really been doing it long enough to say how well it's working, in the big picture. But I'm trying my hardest.

Made it Through Jury Duty

And that was good. I am still lurching from "what if" situation to "what if" situation. I am working to stay in the present, and I do think I'm getting a little better at it. But still experience more than usual anxiety. I've found a great psychiatric nurse, who I think will be helpful in trying to figure out a better medication solution. Celexa doesn't seem to be doing it, although I'm giving it another week or two to make sure.

Finally Slowing Down

I think the medication is starting to kick in. Hooray! I met with the new therapist yesterday. She's very different from people I've seen before, in that she doesn't specialize in OCD. But she does use cognitive therapy, and I like that her focus is on the whole person, and not just the sliver of my OCD. So we'll see how it goes!

Going a Mile a Minute

It occurs to me today that my brain has never before done what it's been doing the last 2-3 weeks: shifting worries in a flurry. I've felt this anxious before, but it's generally been over one overwhelming fear- when I discovered radon in my house, for instance, and couldn't get it fixed for a month. But now I'm just all over the place. I'm not sure what's different, or why. I have my first meeting tomorrow with a therapist who focuses on CBT and mindfulness, and I hope she's a good fit for me.

Monday Update

Yesterday I tried a day without the lorazepam, to see if that was what was helping, or if it was just the natural progression of my day to feel better in the afternoon. Verdict: loraepam definitely helping! It's tricky though, because I don't want to take it on a day I need to drive. Which really is only a few days a week luckily. I think I will take the bus to work for a few weeks. That would really leave only one day a week that I need to drive, and even that's flexible. It's my hope that the Celexa kicks in within a few weeks, and then it won't be an issue.

Generally, I'm still having a really rough time. My insurance coverage for medication is good. My insurance coverage for therapy is terrible. Well, it's not that so much as I can usually only get an appointment once a month, and they tend to assign you a therapist pretty randomly, which seems nearly pointless. So I intend to self pay; it's not really in the budget, but I think I'm worth it.

My sister and a good friend of mine have been an unbelievable source of support for me over the last week, and I'm incredibly grateful.