Showing posts with label ocd. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ocd. Show all posts

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Considering Medication, Part 2

Despite my reasonable success in exposures, something doesn't feel right. I still carry around a sense of doom a lot of the time. And I have an underlying level of mild (moderate?) depression that I can't quite shake.

So I am once again considering medication, possibly at a dose that deals with the depression, if not fully the anxiety. I'm pretty sure a lot of my past reaction to medication (which I took twice for about 2 months each time) was placebo, as I react within days, at a very very low dose, but I guess that's cool, too.

For now, I'm hoping the "threat" of medication will motivate me to more full exposures, but if not, I might be ready to go there. More on this as it arises.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Doing Okay

Still hanging in there. I'm definitely motivated by the concept of a relaxed me, somewhere out there in the future. I can actually imagine it, even if I'm not close to living it yet. Going to a basketball game tonight. All those people.

In other news, I've been watching my way through Monk on DVD. Just started Season 7. I really enjoy the show, but I'm not so fond of the representation of his OCD. The character of the therapist has always been so central to this show, but the treatment he receives has no known effect on OCD. Over and over again they show him talking about his childhood. Ugh.

Not to mention that his OCD seems pretty random, and more phobia filled than OCD-like, except his dislike of being touched.

Anyway, I know that if his OCD went away, much of the premise of the show would be gone. And all I have to do is watch a CSI episode to know that TV is not based in reality.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

OCD: Nature versus Nurture

Twice recently, I've had conversations with people about whether my OCD was "hard-wired" into me or was a result of my environment.

As I've mentioned before when talking about my immediate family, they do not have ANY contamination issues, and I grew up in a household where handwashing didn't really happen.

So I definitely didn't learn it there. Theoretically I could have rebelled at some point against my family's lack of concern about germs or dirt. But I don't think that's it either. I didn't ever (and still don't) look back at it in disgust. That's just the way it was, and we were all healthy and fine. And the older I am, the more I realize that most of the world is closer to my family growing up than they are to over-handwashing me.

Up until my early 20s, I had brief, very brief flashes of OCD behavior, including about a month where I was sure the house was going to burn down, and one truly weird incident when I become concerned about pregnancy despite not having had sex. But at age 25, it really felt like a switch turned on. Well, maybe a dimmer switch. Over the course of about 6 months, I just became more and more concerned about germs, and washing, and checking doors, until it completely overwhelmed my life.

I don't know how it happened, or why it happened then, but I truly feel that it was going to happen to me no matter how I'd been brought up. One half of my family has a full smorgasbord of mental illnesses, and this is just the one I was lucky enough to get.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Out of My Stupor

One of my coworkers is getting married very soon. I am terrified of getting the swine flu, giving it to her, and ruining her wedding. Yes, that is a very specific fear. I had convinced myself that once she was out of the office (Friday), this would finally be the time that I would lose some of my worry about getting sick, and really work on exposures. Unlike every OTHER similar time, of course, where that "final" deadline came and another one took its place. It seems there's always someone about to go on vacation, or starting chemo, or graduating from high school, just waiting for me to ruin their special day with an illness.

In the meantime, I was cocooning myself up at home, so that I would "guarantee" I would stay healthy (ignoring the cesspool of germs that is my office, of course).

Today I learned that I will probably see my engaged coworker next week, too, and my anticipation of a mellow weekend was shot.

At which point the ridiculousness of never leaving my house except for work became clear. So it's back to the routine: grocery shopping, picking up books at the library, riding the bus (gulp!) I'm feeling anxious but surprisingly okay about it. Of course, that may be due to the fact that I finally turned the furnace on today after the house got down to 55. Everything looks a little better when you're warm.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

So What?

That is what my therapist tells me I should be saying to myself. As in, "Oh, no. I'm afraid I'm going to get sick!" "So what?" Now if I could just internalize that, it would be awesome. I have about 10 minute blocks of time where it works great, and I feel pretty mellow about it all. Then, like today, I go to a meeting and the guy next to me has a hacking cough, and I'm right back to "Oh, no. I'm afraid I'm going to get sick!" Sigh. My blog might not be so accurately named.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I Do Not Like Cold and Flu Season

When colds and flu are at the very top of your exposure hierarchy, this is sort of a stressful time of year. During exposure therapy has really been difficult, harder than I expected really. But I'm hanging in there. Yesterday was a big party for my aunt. I went through worrying about ruining the party by being sick, worried about going and having someone else get me sick, and I worried about bringing food that would make people sick. But I went, everything seemed okay, I brought my food, life went on. As it always seems to do, of course.

Yesterday I had a bonus exposure that was a huge success. Squirrels often frolic on my back deck, and I worry about germs being left behind. For some reason I went out there in bare feet yesterday, and then walked through my house without thinking about it. As soon as I did think about it, I felt contaminated, and like the floors had also been contaminated. For about three hours I fought the urge to take a shower and/or scrub down the floors. But I repeated my new mantra, that giving in to that urge feeds the OCD and makes it stronger. And I waited and waited, until eventually the urge passed. That felt great.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Mindfulness, Part Something

So I've decided to really focus on mindfulness this week (starting today- my OCD week generally starts on Wednesday). A friend sent me some meditation CDs and I've got my copy of The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety and I'm going to really go for it.

That's not to say I'm leaving exposures behind, as the mindfulness is really (to me) more a means to get my anxiety down a bit and therefore help with the exposures. And given that it's now cold and flu season and those are my biggest fears, I'm pretty sure the exposures are going to happen whether I choose them or not.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Today's Exposure


Today my parents are coming over for dessert. Having them over didn't used to be a cause of stress, but it is now.

I'm feeling a lot of anxiety, but I suspect everything will go fine.

One thing that's made it easier is that since I've been working on keeping the house clean, there's not nearly as much frantic cleaning needed today as there usually is before I have a guest.

One the bad side, the cats seem to be doing their part to raise my anxiety, including a fresh hairball that I just stepped in. Maybe they're in cahoots with my therapist.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Voices of OCD

This week, The New York Times' Patient Voices feature is about OCD. They have audio interviews with 6 different people with OCD.

All of the interviews are interesting, but the words of Patricia Imbordino reminded me a major point of OCD that I always want to remember as I fight this (and for some reason I don't carry with me at all times, probably because it's scary): "The compulsions, the rituals, are what keeps OCD alive. The more you give in to your compulsions, the more you avoid things, the more reassurance you look for... The more you do that, the more you're giving in to your OCD. ... [you're] agreeing with your OCD."

Another interesting although horrifying portrait was the last man, who started therapy in 1989, but who didn't learn about exposure therapy until 2008. Within a year his OCD symptoms were basically gone. WHY doesn't the psychological training community make sure that all practitioners know about ERP? Shouldn't this be part of Mental Health Practitioner 101?

Friday, September 25, 2009

I'm Not Like *Them*, Am I?

Recently on an OCD forum that I read, two posters were sharing their belief that they are "special," chosen to affect the world in some important way, although one was unsure if he (she?) was chosen for good or evil. Either way, it was a huge responsibility that caused a lot of stress. I have to confess that I laughed out loud. I don't in any way mean to belittle their anxiety, it's just that from the outside it's clear to me that they are not "chosen ones," they just have OCD.

Of course, then it dawned on me that my fears of getting people sick make me react as though I too am "special" and must take extreme measures to avoid irrevocably harming others. I mentioned this to a friend recently, and she admitted that my "making people sick" fear strikes her as just as weird and slightly laughable as I found my forum-mates'.

I still want to argue that my situation is a little different, as I know that I'm not any more likely than anyone else to make somebody sick, I just don't want to be the one that's responsible.

But the similarity is clear, and it points out to me (yet again) that it's a lot easier to see the crazy in someone else's thinking that it is in my own.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Back In "Too Much" Mode

I'm back in that place where I try to think about too many approaches to OCD: mindfulness, alternate thought records, plain old exposure, etc., and I don't do a good job of any of them. Tomorrow will post a little more about one of the reasons I think I'm not focusing as well as I should, physical clutter in my home, and what I'm trying to do about it.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Working With a Tough Exposure

Several of my big issues have come together in a big scary exposure, and it's taking most of my energy; I'm having trouble focusing enough to write about some OCD-related topics that are humming around in the back of my mind. Hopefully over the weekend I'll be back to it. The fun never ends.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

So Tired of....



reading articles like the one with this headline. This was one of the featured articles at the front of msn.com today. Basically listing the same places that 100 other articles have told us are full of germs. They are things most people touch pretty frequently.

Having spent the last three months carefully touching shopping cart handles, ATM buttons, and my own laundry, I can say that most of us don't have that much to fear. All the fear mongering does make me wonder if the rate of OCD in society is rising. It also annoys me to know that most of this research is sponsored by companies like Clorox and the people who make Lysol.

One of these weeks, I'm going to collect all of the articles about germs that cross my path for the whole week, in the paper and magazines and online. I think there will be a ridiculous number.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Tough exposures


Hoo-boy. After deciding this week that if anything seemed scary I was supposed to go for it, I realized that public bathrooms have actually become more scary to me recently, not less.

So yesterday and today I went down to the grocery store down the street. Usually their bathroom doesn't scare me that much, but the whole way down there I thought, "I don't want to, I don't want to." It was crowded in the store (and the bathroom) both days, which added to my stress. But I did it. My anxiety spiked quite high both times (maybe an 8 or 9 out of 10?). I planned to take a shower last night, when I was still feeling really anxious, but my anxiety came back down pretty far, and I was really tired by the end of the day and just went to bed.

Today after about an hour, my anxiety is already pretty okay. I do know that as I move on to "unknown" public bathrooms this will be even tougher, but I feel like this fear is a huge limitation to being able to go out and do the kinds of things I enjoy, since I can't be away from home for too long.

I also had an accidental exposure this morning that REALLY made me want to look something up on the internet, but I distracted myself, and after a few hours the urge went away. That was extremely satisfying.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

What Is "Normal" Anyway?

I've noticed on some of the OCD boards, the concept of what kind of "normal" we should be aiming for. After all these years of washing or checking or straightening or worrying, we've lost our calibration of normal activity.

While I often read that people with OCD have to reset themselves by exposing ourselves even past normal, recently I've been noticing that "normal" people sure expose themselves to some yucky things.

My family, as I've noted before, are all pretty non-OCD with germs, and I've assumed that meant I didn't have to do quite what they do (in some cases, pretty much never washing their hands EVER). During the last week I did a lot of watching of what other people do without thinking twice.

At a recent lunch meeting one woman, eating a salad, dropped some of her parmesan flakes on the conference room table and just "swept" them right back into her salad (along with who knows what else). Another guy dropped his pen on the floor and picked it up and immediately started chewing on it. A few weeks ago, another coworker was cutting up an apple, dropped a piece on the work kitchen floor, picked it right back up and ate it.

While I wait for the bus, I regularly see people rest briefcases and sometimes even food on public trashcans.

Several of my coworkers walk around in their sockfeet at work (I wasn't too horrified until she walked into the bathroom that way. Ack!)

Last week at bowling, a fellow bowler alternated bowling with the house ball and eating pizza.

And I won't even get started on what I've seen at potlucks at my house.

All of these people seem generally healthy, so I guess we've evolved to withstand this kind of thing, despite what all those public health websites would tell us.

Gulp, if they can do it, I guess I can, too,

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Exposure Homework This Week

I see my therapist every week on Wednesday. Usually we pick about 3-4 things to try to do every day (or as practical). Things like "use a grocery cart at the store" or "empty dishwasher without washing hands first" or "visit and hug family members." This week my homework is "if something seems scary, do it." Things are already coming up. My aunt called to say that she's feeling better than expected, and so we're getting together on Sunday. I wanted to come up with a good excuse not to, but I guess I can't. And I suppose part two of my exposure is to not worry about it between now and Sunday. That one will be easier said than done.

Today after work, I felt like my hair was contaminated, so I came home and lay down on the bed with my hair touching the pillow. Since I usually shower at night, this way I made sure to contaminate the pillow so that the shower wouldn't actually "decontaminate" anything before I went to bed.

I'm feeling good about the exposures, and not as good about the anxiety they still cause.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Exposures for the Week

I'm thinking about two scary exposures this week, and I thought putting them in writing might help. Both on Wednesday, both involving shoes.

One, I'm attending a training in a Federal building, where they make you remove your shoes to talk through the metal detector. And the same day, I have a bowling social event, with rented bowling shoes. It looks silly even to me, but they're both making me nervous even two days ahead of time.

A good practice for the mindfulness as well.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Sitting With the Anxiety

While I've been doing well with exposure, I know part of the reason is that many of my exposures, while they're scary in theory, don't actually cause me much anxiety once I've done them. Like going to the pharmacy, or letting my towel touch the floor. And those that are truly anxiety producing, well I often seem to find some reason to put those off.

My therapist has been pointing out for this process to really work, I have to be willing to accept uncertainty, and to sit with anxiety.

Ooh, it's hard! While I probably should have visited my aunt this weekend, and didn't, I did see my mom, which I hadn't planned to do. Usually I take a shower before I see my family, so I don't "contaminate" them. Today I didn't. And after I saw her, I felt really uncomfortable for a couple of hours, feeling like I'd sent her back home with some germs that she would share with my aunt.

I still feel a little anxious (it's been about 4 hours now), but it's definitely going down.

So I guess I get to remember, if I'm not really scared, I'm not doing it right.

Friday, August 28, 2009

A Goal for the Future

Today my boss reminded me that she wants me to attend a training in Atlanta in June of next year. I was hoping she'd forget (and slightly resentful that she didn't approve my request to go to this year's training in Seattle, a mere car ride away). I haven't flown since 2006. I'm not great with change, or leaving my house for a week, or flying, or hotels, or airport bathrooms. So that's going to be fun! But at least I have a while to get used to the idea, and to get better at dealing with exposures.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Internet- Friend or Foe?

Most of the time, I love the internet, and it's been helpful for my OCD in a number of ways.

I post occasionally at both the yahoo-groups OCD support site and stuckinadoorway.org. On both sites, people are pretty good at providing support and advice, but not reassurance.

I found my therapist at the OCF website.

And of course there's this blog.

But I think most people with OCD also know that the internet can enable "reassurance seeking." I often look up dreadful diseases that I'm just sure I've been exposed to. But just reading one website is never enough, and the reassurance never reassures for long.

This week, one of my main "response preventions" is to avoid searching on the internet when I'm feeling anxious about something. Right now, while I'm not worried about anything in particular, it sounds really doable. We shall see.