Down in the Dumps

My aunt died on Sunday. I've done some grieving, and it feels okay. Unfortunately, my OCD has taken advantage of the situation, and I'm not doing very well at fighting back. At all.

My aunt left behind an apartment of belongings, of course. And we were planning to clean it this week. Until the landlord locked us out. For some reason, even having a death certificate and a will is not yet enough to get us access. This, unfortunately, has given me time to fret. And to accidentally read an article about bedbugs. First I was convinced she has bedbugs. Then that passed, and now I'm convinced that if we get a truck to move her furniture, mostly to my sister's house, that the truck will give her bedbugs.

And then of course I'm convinced I'll get them, and then I'll give them to the boyfriend, and he'll hate me forever, plus die young because he'll be exposed to pesticides in treating them. And God forbid my mom should ever get bedbugs. Her house is the most cluttered house I've seen this side of Hoarders. I can't even imagine. The fact that we're locked out, possibly for 30 days, means that I get to sit and worry. Since I'm totally ruminating and looking up information online, the fear is not subsiding.

I know I'll get through this, but right now it all feels really really awful.