Living in the World

Sometimes living in a little cocoon is so inviting. If I stay in my house, the germs can't get me, right? It gets boring pretty fast, though, even with books and gardens and internet. Even introverts like me need a little human contact, plus, you know, groceries!

I guess I'll have to live out there in the germy world after all.

Currently my neighbor's house has a toilet in the driveway. It rained about an inch today, so I assume it's a toilet with a couple inches of water in it, just waiting to incubate some toilet germs.

My instinct is to avoid avoid avoid. But a good thing happened. The plumbers parked in front of my house. Which means they spent all day walking back and forth across my driveway and sidewalk. No point in avoiding, right, when the germs are there already?

Since contaminating everything beyond redemption is key to ERP for germ issues, it's perfect. I can't say I'm thrilled, but I like getting this push. OCD's been winning too often these days.

I'm Still Out Here

I've been working some on my OCD, having some successes, having a few set backs. A normal kind of time.

Much of my psychological energy has been taken up with preparing to leave my job. I'm down to about 3 months now, it's already the busy season anyway, and on top of that I'm working on the transition.

The good thing is that it's beginning to sink in that my successors' success is not my problem. I'm not convinced that my boss has made a great decision with the two people he's chosen to take on the two halves of my job. But there's no guarantee that a new hire from outside would be any better.

So I'll do some training and call it good. I've shed a lot of the anxiety that I had around it, now I'm just plain busy.

A lot of quiet blogs these days. I hope that means everyone's out having a great spring/summer. Drop a blog line if you feel inspired!

A Tiring Week

I'm not sure why this week was so tiring, but one night I slept 13 hours. Whew! On Friday morning, I got into my car to drive to work and realized someone had rifled through everything: the glove compartment, all the other little storage areas, the trunk. I don't have much of value in the car (does anyone who's not on a trip or living in their car?), so I don't lock it. I'd rather not have windows broken if someone wants to get in.

Anyway, they got an 8 year old cell phone and a backpack with my emergency gloves and blanket. Such a classic stupid break in: they get nothing of value, but I still have the headache of replacing the "nothing of value" they stole. Many people report feeling violated when someone does this. I do think I'd feel this way about my house, but I didn't really about the car. Just annoyed.

Of course, as a sufferer of contamination OCD, I worried about just who had been sitting in my car while they did it. While I know this is reassurance, and reassurance is bad, I reminded myself that I ride the bus all the time, and while I'm not insinuating that bus riders are all unsavory sorts, some of them sure are. So I've surely been exposed to just about anything this thief would expose me to. That got me to drive the car to and from work without a rash of compulsions.

I bought a new phone yesterday after work. It's much nicer than the old phone. Now I just need to remember not to leave it in the car.

I'm also suffering "short timer's" issues at work. Yesterday someone asked me if they could purchase something they really shouldn't be allowed to under their budget. We went back and forth until I finally said "you want to know my honest answer here? I'm leaving in September and I don't really care what you do." That's probably not the best way to tell people I'm leaving. Got to work on that.

Country Living

Today I went to visit a friend who lives about an hour out of town. I knew her dog was getting his shots this morning and I was a little icked out by potential vet germs, but no biggy. But for some reason the shots had made the dog REALLY clingy. So he followed us around for about an hour. Okay, I was okay with that.

But the dog's favorite thing to do is stick his head between your legs while you're standing. He likes to poke his whole head through so you can pet him on both sides. Hooray. I'm not really a dog person, but I can fake it, sort of.

I was still doing okay. But it just kept going. I got the story (from her kids) about how the dog hates water because when they were little they sprayed him with water guns, so he rarely gets a bath.

Oh, and then I heard the story about how when they go hunting the dog likes to roll around in whatever they shoot. So he smells pretty bad. Argh!!! (not to mention, what the heck happened to my vegetarian friend whose hunting neighbors made her so mad!)

But all things considered, I was okay. I did wash my hands before we headed off for a hike and a trip to the coffee shop, but really, that seemed like a pretty reasonable thing to do, OCD or not.

I'm pretty sure I'll never have a dog.

A Little Push

Lately, when faced with something that I know I should push through, I've been letting OCD win. So this weekend, I've planned two exposures.

First, I'm going to a BBQ on Saturday. I want to skip it for several reasons: germs, with a coworker scheduled for vacation soon (I always dread getting someone sick before a big week), and the fact that my ex-boyfriend will be there. I'll be fine around him, but I still feel awkward. He hasn't maintained any level of connection since we broke up, which makes it more awkward when we do see each other.

I tried to convince myself that I don't really care about the friendship of this BBQ group, as an excuse to skip it, but in fact, I do like most of them quite a lot. Our collective friendship is mostly maintained online, but getting together keeps it strong, I think.

Second, I'm going to skip my mom's orchestra concert, on Mother's Day, no less. I've likely attended 100 of her concerts over the years, and I don't enjoy them, but I generally attend to provide support for an activity she loves. Unfortunately (as well as fortunately, I suppose) I think I've faked it too well, and I don't think she realizes it's a chore. I've seen a ton of my parents recently, including last weekend's early Mother's Day celebration, and I just need a break this weekend.

Of course I'm convinced something terrible will happen if I don't go. Which is why I've decided not to go.

Floating Along

I haven't written many posts this spring. Ideas float through my head, but I don't seem to be able to summon the energy to stop and post.

Things are fine. Not great, a little stagnant, but not terrible either.

But there have been several occasions lately where I've clearly identified chances to push back against OCD fears and I simply haven't done it. A coworker's kids were sick with some stomach flu-ish thing this week and I actually took Friday off to avoid it. He wasn't sick, and there's solid evidence that his kid just has a touchy stomach. And still... I will add that I really just didn't want to be at work that day, but the underlying reason was OCD-based fear.

I hate that I still do that. And yet... it doesn't really make that much difference in my life. In fact many times when I exhibit OCD-based avoidance, the thing that I avoid is something I dislike anyway. Until I tip the balance on this type of thing, I will remain in this stagnant place. Not terrible, but not where I want to be.

Made It Through This Week

This was a tough week. Some big events with anxiety attached. And I'm training a coworker who has a VERY different learning style than I do. I've lost track of the number of times he's asked me questions (sometimes multiple times) that I've already answered. I get that it's all new, but it's more than just not getting it. It's that when he's not ready for a new piece of info, he just ignores what I'm telling him. Which makes trying to train someone tricky.

Anyway, it's no fun at all, although it will be over with fairly soon.

And I made it through the scary parts of the week with no ill effects. There was even a moment when I woke up in the middle of the night and had the awareness that I wasn't feeling any anxiety at all. That was a nice feeling.