Obsessed, Season 2

Season two of A&E's Obsessed debuted on Monday. I watched yesterday and didn't find it compelling. It's definitely due to the comparison to The OCD Project, but I'm not certain quite what the difference is. Part of the problem is the 2 people, 1 hour format. You don't get much a feel for the people and their personalities at all, which is part of the draw of The OCD Project. I really care about what happens to those people.

But it's more than that. Something is different in the way they present the exposures, so that despite the person claiming to be anxious, you can't really tell. So perhaps despite the claim that The OCD Project features exposures that are way over the top, maybe that's how you can really tell how scary it is.

Another problem was that the woman (whose name I can't remember), had OCD that seemed to be an eating disorder. She took a very OCD-type approach, but at heart, she ate very little and exercised too much in order to keep her weight down. I couldn't relate the way I can to most people with OCD, and I found it odd that they never once uttered the word eating disorder.

Graham had contamination OCD, and I found him more interesting, but I wish we'd seen more or him. I liked the exposure in the water, as they spent enough time that we got to see it unfold.

Despite my gripes, the "follow up screens" indicated that both had made really good progress, so that's great news.

Pretty Good Weekend

A good OCD weekend. I did a bunch of shopping, including some thrift stores, without washing my hands, and my mom visited twice! Now if only the carpenter ants hadn't decided to hang out in my house. :(

Thanks, TV Writers

Lately I've been plowing my way through DVDs of past seasons of the show Criminal Minds. For those who don't know, Criminal Minds is primarily about an FBI team that profiles and catches serial killers. It's completely unrealistic (the profilers are also the interrogators and investigators- at least they don't also do the lab work!- and they nearly always swoop in at the last second to save the latest victim), but okay, it's a TV show. I also realize that being a serial killer requires that something in your brain is not quite right. Even so, I'm annoyed. There have been several shows where our killer has OCD. I could almost even deal with that. Out of 100 episodes about people who kill, why couldn't a few have OCD? Well, in a group of people known for their sense of responsibility, serial killer doesn't seem too likely. Plus, they actually had a character say about our OCD killer, "OMG, he totally can't stop himself," as though his OCD compulsion was killing. No, actually his OCD compulsion seemed to be cutting the crusts off his sandwich just so.

Anyway, I'm sure this isn't really worth being annoyed over. It's a guilty pleasure show full of holes, this is just another one.

Friday Updates

I'd been sitting with the anxiety about lunch with my aunt, and while it hadn't disappeared, it had gone down quite a lot. Today she called me at work to cancel. She'd had a fight with my dad and it stressed her out so much she didn't want to meet. Her calling me at work was a clear OCD-based action on her part. She couldn't wait the few hours it would take till I got home to get it off her chest. I'm torn. On the one hand, yay, I get my morning back. On the other hand, it actually made my anxiety zoom back up a little, with the uncertainty involved- would she change her mind again before tomorrow, now we have to reschedule, etc. I went for a brief walk, and now I'm feeling okay-ish again.

Interactions like this with her always remind me why I'm willing to sit with tough exposures: I don't want to live a life like hers, so stressful, so empty.

But a great thing happened today, too. I went to the knitting at lunch group! The people were so welcoming and nice. Oftentimes at the end of a social event, I think ugh, that sucked, or even worse, ugh, I suck. Today I left feeling like I couldn't wait to go back. Yay for scary social event #15!

In the Yucky Middle

I'm in a place where I'm succeeding at more and more exposures. So now I'm moving up to harder ones. For more than a year, when interacting with my aunt, I've nearly always "demanded" something that eases my fears, be it changing the time or date or location of our time together, or when things have been really bad, canceling altogether. My aunt has long been an OCD trigger for me (it's not uncommon for a person to seem "contaminated" for no logical reason- my aunt is that person for me). Now I have the added fear that I will harm HER. And then the extra fear layered on top that if I harm her, the ripple effect will mess up my whole family.

SO, that's awesome. Anyway, starting two weeks ago with the trip to the grocery store, I've been working HARD at letting my interactions with my aunt evolve naturally. It has been difficult. This weekend, it feels like all the options are terrifying- if I drive, if she drives, if we carpool, if we go separately- disaster waiting at every turn. But as yet, I haven't done anything but let my aunt decide time, place, transportation. It feels good, it feels terrible. The compulsions may go away, but the thoughts don't, and I think that's the trickiest part about sticking with ERP.

Okay, This Is Getting a Little Weird

This afternoon I went for a run. On my way back home, what do I see? A whole raw chicken (in a bag), in the grass by the sidewalk. How often should one expect to run into packages of raw chicken while running? This was a completely different street than last time. Apparently, chicken is my destiny.

Scary Social Events Update

My goal for the year was to average one "scary social event" each week, that is a social event that didn't involve my family. I was doing quite well until early April, reaching event number 12 during week number 14 of the year. The start of my two month break coincided almost exactly with my aunt's latest hospital admission. I've been working to ramp up again. Last week was my book club. Tomorrow I'm scheduled to start a 3 or 4 week knitting class. I really don't want to go, but I know that it's mostly OCD-based. What if the teacher touches my knitting? What if my classmates are sick? Plus generic social anxiety. I feel the same way about EVERY new social activity. I'm pretty sure that if I get back on a once a week (or more) schedule, these won't feel as hard. Here's hoping.