Uncomfortable Sigh

A post over on Janet's great ocdtalk blog sent me scanning back through old blog posts. And (not for the first time), I'm reminded about how strong my OCD remains. All those years of dealing with exposures, and yet still spending most of my free time worrying about something.

I'm happy with the progress I've made, sort of, but in realistic terms, I'm still in about the same place I started. So many posts where I'd found the book that was going to change my life. Where I was absolutely determined to beat OCD once and for all. Wash, rinse, repeat (heck, I think I've even posted THAT before).

OCD Around Me

I've posted before about seeing someone out and about with clear OCD. I'm not quite sure why it fascinates me so much. Maybe it's because I go to great lengths to hide my OCD in public, so I think it's interesting when people don't. Are they making a statement, or simply unable to NOT do their compulsions (I think the latter today).

Today I was at the grocery store and not only was a woman in the produce section using a produce bag on her hands so as not to touch the cart handle, she was picking up each piece of produce with a bag, inside out, and them flipping it right-side out onto her selected produce. I guess her own hands were too dirty to touch the produce?

She was also shopping the minute the store opened. I was, too, but only because I was out running another errand and this was the best time to do it. I assume she was trying to minimize the number of people who touched her produce.

It looked so hard. And I can only assume she was kind of embarrassed to know that people probably look at her funny while she's doing this (maybe another reason for the time of day she was shopping).

It makes me grateful for the huge gains I've made on the contamination OCD front. Life is easier, and far less stressful when you can touch stuff!

Time Sure is Weird

While I'm waiting for my house to sell, it feels like time is going so s-l-o-w-l-y, and yet somehow it's been almost a month since my last post. So I guess it's not really slow at all.

I also was just referencing an email that someone had sent me 11 (!) years ago. So, yeah, I guess time is actually flying on by!

The house went on the market last week (oh, and I feel I should add, I did not do either of the projects my OCD wanted me to do before listing it). I got a really great offer mid-week. Strangely, it's almost TOO good an offer. My agent thinks there's a good chance the person will get cold feet and decide they've offered too much (likely true). But either way, it's a sign that the house should sell about where it was listed. I'm very very eager for this all to be done, of course. Some days I do better than others.

Hope everyone's summer is going well, and for those in the U.S., that you're having a great 4th of July.

Working on some tricky stuff

Well, I remain in the "final stages" of getting the house ready. I guess it's a long final stage, ha! I have talked to several real estate agents now, so I'm moving along. The house is mostly empty, but I still need to clean up the garden, and clean clean clean the house itself. That includes 14 windows on the main floor, each of which has a storm window. Hooray! I've always loved the light that those windows bring into the house, but here's the downside!

There are two house projects that my OCD really wants me to do. My sister has told me no, as did the real estate agents. I've convinced myself that if I don't do them, something terrible will happen to the new owner and it will be all.my.fault. But I know it's just my attempt to achieve certainty, and that's not possible. I almost always give in to OCD in these situations, and I'm trying really really really REALLY hard not to. So far the message I've sent to my brain is that the only reason disaster is averted is that I do what OCD says. That's not the right message. And in addition, I cannot keep everyone safe. Life happens. Hard work.

Back to Blogging

I've been a very infrequent blogger this spring. I'm going to try to get back to it more regularly.
In classic form, last week I convinced myself the medication wasn't really making much difference, and I stopped taking it. The ramped up anxiety I experienced 4 days later seems to make it clear that it was making a difference. So back on it I go. My side effects have been minor, but I do seem to get more headaches, which I'm not enjoying.

Things in my life are BUSY. I moved to a rental duplex a month ago, and I'm in the final stages of getting my house ready to sell. I'm really enjoying the new place a lot. It's a good location, great space, and I still have a yard for gardening, but I don't have to mow the lawn!

But pretty much, if I'm not at work or sleeping, I'm working on the old house. Hoping to list it June 15th-ish, but that might be optimistic.

The Medication May Be Working

It seems I didn't mention it here, but I started up on an SSRI in February, a low-ish dose. I can't quite tell if it's working (oh, now I see I did mention it a few posts ago). Past side effects have included insomnia but this time I'm tired, so so tired. And the dreams: vivid, sometimes disturbing dreams. I was thinking of giving it up, since I don't see a huge effect. But before I did so, I upped this dose a small amount this week. And I think I'm seeing a difference. For the first time in who knows how long, I woke up yesterday feeling excited about a few things this week, including signing the lease on my new apartment. Feeling excited rather than terrified is really really rare for me. Is it the medication? Is it the situation? Can't say for sure. Other aspects of my upcoming move have me terrified. But I'd say there's enough chance that the good feelings are related to the medication that I'm going to stick with it a while longer.

An Easter Update

I'm not much of an Easter celebrator, although I do have candy. Mostly I'm wondering if it's okay to run my borrowed weed whacker today, the only non-rainy day in the 10 day forecast.

But on to OCD. It's been a stressful time in my life. After much hemming and hawing, I made the decision to sell my house and live in a rental until I decide if I want to buy another house some day. I've found a great place and will sign a lease that starts next Friday.

Moving is stressful under the best of mental conditions, but of course OCD adds whole new levels of complication. I haven't lived with shared walls for 16 years, so that's scary. Moving vans scare me, selling my house scares me, etc.

I'm moving forward, because despite the fear, I'm super excited at the potential for my life without so much yardwork and house maintenance. The new space is big enough to feel comfortable but small enough that I think I might be able to keep it clean. (especially since I may lose my deposit if I don't!) I'm trying to be ruthless about getting rid of clutter as I pack up my house. I'm a packrat, so I'm not as ruthless as I SHOULD be, but better than ever before.