Darn It

Yet again, today I found myself trying to schedule something at a totally weird inconvenient- for-most time, just because it felt better for my OCD. Luckily, it didn't work. So I'm feeling REALLY anxious right now. And I just sitting here feeling it. It sucks, but I can also acknowledge that this is the way I should have dealt with it in the first place. Even as I was trying to make the shoehorned schedule work I knew that.

I wish I could make the right choice in the first place. Maybe someday I will.

Misc.

I'm trying to schedule myself for things that scare me. While I'm prone to backing out even after I've scheduled, I don't always. This weekend I arranged to help my mom plant her tomatoes out. I have a fear of bringing tomato diseases to her yard (all my tomatoes got a terrible blight two summers ago), so I sort of wanted to avoid helping. But instead we're scheduled for Saturday, weather pending.

Last week I realized that for the first time since OCD came along, my fingers didn't crack ONCE this winter. I didn't even slather on lotion that often. Just another benefit of stopping the hand washing at work. Also, I can drop food on surprisingly dirty floors these days and then pick it up and eat it. I don't know if that can rightly be considered an accomplishment :) but it is an affront to my OCD.

Tough Week

Nothing much happened. I just felt down. Pure O Canuck has noted that her OCD ramps up right before her period. I've noticed that I get weepy a few days before, but I've never had OCD issues much. Till this week. Everything just seemed scary and overwhelming. I did okay at sitting with the ugh that I felt. But it sure wasn't fun. Next week that should be over, and the sun is supposed to come back out. Here's hoping for a fabulous week!

Book Review: Oxford Messed Up

I recently received a review copy of the novel Oxford Messed Up, by Andrea Kayne Kaufman. The book's protagonist, Gloria, is off to Oxford to study feminist poetry as a Rhodes Scholar. When we meet Gloria, she's about to board the plane; she will proceed not to drink a thing for the entire plane ride, because she cannot pee until she reaches her private bathroom at Oxford. Gloria has OCD. Really bad OCD. Scrub the bathroom for hours till your hands are raw OCD.

When she arrives, she learns to her dismay that she does not have a private bathroom after all. In fact, she'll be sharing with Henry, a charming, but pretty grimy sort, with issues of his own. Gloria and her OCD are not pleased. But despite his griminess, Henry is a huge Van Morrison fan who slowly charms his way into huge Van Morrison fan Gloria's good graces and they forge a fragile but really sweet friendship.

When Gloria's fear of germs ultimately leads to a breakdown of sorts, Henry steps in, with his psychologist sister's help, to help Gloria through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and in a flash, she's overcoming her OCD (more on that later).

There was a lot about this book I really enjoyed. The writing is lovely, although the characters do swear a lot. The characters of Henry and Gloria are well developed, and you really find yourself rooting for them. I also really liked how much they cared for each other and how hard they were willing to work both to help each other and themselves.

OCD is treated with respect, and boy is it nice to see exposure therapy given some attention.

The portrayal of Gloria's OCD didn't quite ring true to me, although it was far better than most. Gloria's inner voice was always thinking "foul germs, foul germs," when I wanted the voice to be saying "what if, what if." At the same time, some things felt just right: becoming dehydrated while trying to avoid porta-potties and refusing social events because it's all just too much, for instance. And a scene in which slippery lotion on her hands keeps Gloria from storming out of a room actually made me laugh out loud.

My quibbles:
- her recovery, while it had a few bumps, still seemed unusually fast and smooth, with very little detail of the discomfort this process likely would have entailed. Maybe it would have been boring to read about that, but as is, it just felt a little too easy.

- in a book that seems targeted at women, I was astounded at how many times I had to read about Gloria's breasts. Once or twice, it would have told me that Henry was attracted to her chest and that he noticed it. But really, the tenth time it just felt icky.

- speaking of breasts, one scene between Gloria and her breast cancer surviving advisor was so wildly inappropriate that I briefly set the book down after reading it. I felt the same important message could have been achieved differently, and in fact just had been achieved differently.

Despite my complaints, the book and its characters really did draw me in, and I found myself picking it up in most of my free moments last week. If any of you choose to read it, I'd be curious to hear your reactions to the book's portrayal of OCD and its treatment.

If you'd like to check the book out, the Ebook edition will be available for $0.99 on Amazon from May 1-5.

And, There's My "One Step Back"

Yesterday was shaping up to be a pretty good day. I met up with my sister for lunch, then got hugs from her "dirty" kids without any stress at all.

I went grocery shopping and ended up in line behind a guy who looked a little grimy, and then wiped his nose with his hand right before he checked out. In the past I would have changed lanes, or if I couldn't, I would have had a small freak out. Instead, I stayed in line, went out to the car, and ate a pretzel from the food I'd just purchased.

So far, so good. Then I decided to stop at a rummage sale I'd seen a sign for earlier in the week. I almost didn't go in, as despite loving a good bargain, rummage sales are hard for me. But I'm in "new me" mode, so in I went. Found a few things.

Then I went to check out. They were selling a single platform bed, the kind with drawers in the bottom. It was right next to the checkout. One of the drawers was pulled out, and I couldn't resist looking in for signs of bedbugs. And, OMG, there was a bug crawling around the drawer! Was it a bedbug? I don't actually know. It was the right size, but I didn't want to stare that long, and I didn't want to get any closer if it WAS a bedbug. But it sure has ramped my anxiety right back up. What if I carried one home? It's unlikely, but it still got me freaking out again in general. After months of staying away from my "favorite" bedbug forum, I scoured it again last night.

I know it's such a waste of time. Reading about bedbugs doesn't change the chances of having them. Panicking about them ahead of time will do no good. If I do have them, it will suck, and then I will do what I need to do to get rid of them. But...

Another Step Forward

This week two of my coworkers have really bad colds. My fear of getting colds is all out of proportion to the threat. I have no fear of the illness itself. It's that there's always someone in my life who I fear would suffer more serious consequences of having a cold. While there's the tiniest grain of truth to these fears, the fact is I can't avoid all contact with the human race because of it.

I also find that while in theory it's reasonable to avoid people who actually have colds, it's a slippery slope, that leads to me avoiding all people, because you never know who may have a cold (case in point, I guess, is that one of the coworkers actually felt this cold coming on for about 5 days, and I had no idea).

So, until yesterday, I was avoiding them. Today, however, they kept bringing me reports to read and edit. So finally I said to heck with it. It's time for an exposure. And I touched those reports, and I moved them around all over my desk. And I touched my hair, and ate my apple, and basically just ignored those cold germs.

As always, my fear dropped FAST! Basically, once the germs are spread around, I know there's nothing to be done but move along. So I do. It really feels good to do a scary exposure. Once it's done anyway.

Why Are We All Women?

I love the community of OCD bloggers that's grown up in the last couple of years. I love the support, and I just love hearing what you're all up to.

But I also think it's funny that we're pretty much all women. I don't know of any data that indicate that woman are more prone to OCD, and the best data I found indicates that blogging itself is split about 50-50 between men and women. And yet here we are, a support group of women.

I do have some male followers, and from time to time, someone male leaves a comment with an OCD blog link, but most of them don't post very often, if at all.

Puzzling. Not that I mind our girl power (ha!) but I still find it puzzling. Anyone have any thoughts?