Everything Must Go According to Plan

I've long known that I deal terribly with changes to routine, or times when the process in doing something isn't what I expect it to be. Today I had an incident that brought that into focus.

I bought my dad an online gift subscription to a sports league's radio broadcasts. I tried it out on my end and it all worked fine. But my dad is both really really bad with technology and he has an older computer. So it didn't work the same on his end. He called and I tried to walk him through it by phone. I THINK in the end it worked. But I'm not sure. And it took maybe 45 minutes. And involved trying to download new browsers, and both of us feeling frustrated. Great gift, Ann!

In the end, it will be a great gift. But today, I sat on my couch and cried. I'm not even sure why. Because I wanted to have done a "slam dunk" good thing for my dad (no pun there- not basketball this time)? Because I'm afraid we broke his computer? I don't even know. I guess it was just the unexpected aspect. That it didn't all go according to plan. I even found myself walking again through how easy it was on my computer. That's a compulsion for sure. So now I guess I will sit and accept the thought that I've done wrong, that my dad is bummed, that his computer will somehow get a virus because of all this.

Plus I can't get my bathtub to unclog. Grrrr.

Photos

Last August, I got a new roof. That in itself caused OCD problems: people, at my house, on the roof! In the hot summer sun. No one died. The roof hasn't leaked. At that time, I had a skylight installed. I was (and am) so proud of that skylight. Sometimes I just lie on the floor underneath it feeling happy. It was so scary to me. The workers had to come into the house. The chances for something going wrong seemed high, although they probably weren't actually high. Regardless, the decision scared the heck out of me, but I really really wanted that skylight. It's in my finished attic, and it's totally changed a dark place into a cheerful light-filled one.

But, the company I chose only did the exterior work on the skylight. When they finished, the only sign from the inside was a nail that poked through the ceiling. Apparently I didn't get a photo of that, but here it is not long after that point.

I had some work to do. I did open up the hole, but there I stopped.

Now, my procrastination was not solely due to OCD. Mostly it was due to the attic being a cold place in the winter. But now it's April, and my OCD kicked in. My house is nearly 100 years old, and some of the attic wiring is original. Every time I bang around there with a hammer, I imagine that I'll dislodge something and the whole house will go up in smoke. Doesn't help that the house behind me was destroyed by fire in 2005. It was a candle, but that makes no difference to my brain when it really gets going.

SO, I've been putting off the finishing. But this week I had a day off, and I went for it. You can't tell in the photo above, but you could look up and down into the insulation. And poke yourself on rusty nails. It was really classy. The typical way to finish this project would be to add drywall, but my attic is a weird space. When it was finished, instead of drywall, they used thin sheets of plywood. I'm not even sure that meets code, but it's done. So I needed to match that look, as odd as it may be. Here's a look at the mess I made in the process:

After I got the new wood up, I actually liked the bare wood look.

Unfortunately, the project required a whole lot of caulk and spackle, so it really needed paint. This is a photo after the primer is on; I loved the look of the clouds. You can see the top of one of the four new houses they built after the old one burned down, too.
And finally, the finished product. You can see some of the funkiness, both of the project and the previous attic work, and that right side really needs another coat of paint, or two or three, but overall, I'm happy with it. So happy to make a plan and then follow through with it! That's not my strongest suit. Yay!

Getting It Done

Over on One Anxious Girl's post about making decisions, I noted that I've been putting off a home project for 8 months now. Well, I finally did it. Still needs the final coat of paint, and I will confess that I did a slightly half-assed job. But it still looks far better than it did before. And done (ish) is done!

Photos to come.

The Anti-Serenity Prayer

Not sure who wrote this, so I'm stealing it from someone. But it was posted on another forum today and it made me laugh:

God grant me the anxiety
to try to control the things I cannot control,
the fear to avoid the things I can,
and the neurosis to deny the difference.

Yep, that about covers it!

A New Book

This isn't a book review, because I haven't actually read it yet. A number of my fellow bloggers have mentioned how much they've enjoyed the book Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life. The other day I was wandering a used bookstore and there it was on the shelf. So now I'm a proud owner of this book. It covers Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It looks like a good fit for me right now. I'm doing well on contamination issues, but far less well on "amorphous things that are out there in the future." It's definitely keeping me from living my life to the fullest. Will keep you posted.

A More Systematic Approach

This week I realized I need to sit down and write out a new list of exposures to work through. Right now I'm more in the mode of waiting for things to come to me, and that doesn't usually move me forward very fast.

Yesterday I hopped on the train for some good old public transit exposures! As I noted in my last post, I haven't been taking the bus since I lost my bus pass. But the train is free through the central part of town, and it goes right past my work place.

It was a good exposure. Lots and lots of people and no open seats so I had to hold on to the railing. And I felt REALLY contaminated when I hopped off. About an 8 out of 10, I'd say.

I had to walk back a few blocks to work. Even in that short bit of time, I could tell the anxiety was going down, and I convinced myself to see how long I could stand not washing my hands. After about 15 minutes, my anxiety was down to about a 4. I never did wash my hands (well, eventually I did, but not for OCD reasons); I even ate my afternoon apple without washing.

I love the good ERP experiences. I just wish the NEXT one seemed easier each time. Maybe that'll come someday.

A Decent OCD Day, But I Really Need to Get it Together

I am an intensely disorganized person. I cringe to think about all the time I have wasted in my life looking for items I've misplaced. But I've generally been pretty good about bus passes. For close to 15 years now, I've been fortunate enough to work at jobs that provide free annual bus passes. But boy, you sure don't want to lose that pass. And with the exception of the time that my backpack was stolen and I was the victim of ID theft, I never have lost a bus pass. Until now. It was destined to happen. I rarely take the bus these days, as I've been riding my bike a lot more. Without the need to find the pass everyday, sure enough, it's gone.

I can remember the last time I saw it, and I just KNOW I set it somewhere off to the side, but I have torn apart the room it should be in, and it's just not there. For two weeks I didn't worry about it, figured I'd find it soon enough. Last night, it became clear I wasn't going to find it, and OCD took over. Because unfortunately, my bus pass is also my work ID, with 24/7 access to our building. And the ID says what that building is.

So of course last night I became convinced that I'd actually dropped it somewhere, and the person who found it was plotting to break into the building this very weekend. And it would be ALL MY FAULT for not reporting it missing sooner. So of course last night I also became convinced that the security guy who replaces cards would be out today, or not respond to my email.

BUT, the good news: instead of staying up looking into the wee hours, or worrying, I made myself go to bed, and surprisingly, I slept fine. Then by the time I woke up, my worry had dropped from about an 8 to a 3. The security guy doesn't get in until 1:00 every day. I sent an email at 11:00 and then let it go. And by 1:29, my new badge was in my hand. Of course then I worried that if someone had found the badge, I would somehow get ID thefted or stalked. The badge only has my name on it, though, so there's not much to be done with it, especially now that it doesn't open anything. They can ride the bus until August, though.

In any case, even that fear only lasted about 15 minutes, and didn't distract me from my work. All in all, I was pretty happy with my approach and how it worked. BUT, I was also really really clearly reminded that I need to get more organized and focused. My house is a mess, my brain is scattered, and my willpower regarding all kinds of things is just rotten these days. I just read an article that stated that willpower can be improved by practice, like building up a muscle. I need to try that. Things need to improve around here.